I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Finally, A Country That Stands Up For Freedom Of Speech

A lot has been said and written about the Holocaust conference in Iran, and most of it has been negative. I think that these naysayers are missing the point of the whole thing. Just because the conference happened to be made up of mostly people who deny the historical genocide of millions of Jews and other minorities doesn't mean it was a hate conference. They are just trying to get to the truth. Besides there were mainstream holocaust speakers there, I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it because David Duke says so, and why would he lie, he doesn't hate Jews, he said so himself on CNN.

All this should not overshadow the real reason for this conference, however: freedom of speech. Western countries have been trampling on it for too long, and what better place to make a stand against these injustices than in Iran. I can only hope that Iran will next set its sights on the jailing of journalists and the horrible way in which the West treats their women. Only then will liberal democracies realize that their oppressive policies will no longer be tolerated.

David Duke isn't a man who should be looked down upon. So he was Grand Wizard of the most notorious hate group in the world, he's just a man in search of the honest, fair and balanced truth. And for those of you who think Grand Wizard is sort of a candy ass title for the leader of the Ku Klux Klan, you're probably right, but that doesn't change the facts. Plus he has a doctorate now, albeit one from a controversial Ukrainian University mired in accusations of anti-semitism. He earned that Ph.D., and he earned the right to refer to himself as doctor...every time he speaks in public.

Besides, how bad could David Duke really be, Time Magazine just named him the 2006 Person of the Year.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Vote On The Seven New Wonders Of The World!

With all but one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World remaining, Swiss adventurer Bernard Weber has decided that it is time for the public to choose new ones. The only remaining original Wonder is the Great Pyramids of Giza, which is considered the best of the originals by many people with nothing better to do. The pyramids are among the final twenty-one nominees, but it remains to be seen whether or not they will stay on top.

Along with the pyramids, you can vote for the Great Wall of China, the Christ Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, and the Eiffel Tower in France. I have a feeling that the Eiffel Tower is getting its ass kicked. Bill O'Reilly and I have gotten together to urge Americans not to vote for this landmark. The French have failed to support us time and time again, and now we will show them what we think of it. We figure that with all of his viewers and both of mine, we could really send a message to those cowards. In fact, I've just decided to start writing eiffel tower, rather than 'Eiffel Tower'. That's right, it's no longer a proper noun. Take that France!

Instead, we urge you to vote for the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the French to the United States meant to celebrate its dominance over the rest of the world. And even then the French were unable to get the Statue here on time.

I would also like to announce that my nomination for a Wonder of the World was denied. I consider it a sad day for the world when the Plastic Lawn Flamingo (note the propoer noun) isn't considered a finalist in a Wonders of the World competition. First they stop production, and now they reject it as Wonder material. I fear that the Apocalypse may be upon us.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Rapist Sentenced To Be Slapped

A deaf and mute woman was raped earlier this week while returning from work in the village of Rampur, India. The village is about 205 miles northwest of Lucknow. That's right, a town called Lucknow is the only point of reference within 205 miles.

Police refused to arrest the man responsible, saying that because the woman was unable to talk, she could not narrate the incident. A spokesperson also added, "we can't be expected to bother with every little charge of sexual assault and battery, and if you think we are going to stand around watching some lowly woman do sign language, you've got another thing coming."

Because of the apathy of the authorities, the village court held a trial, and sentenced the man to be slapped publicly 51 times. This controversial landmark ruling has replaced the previous precedent of doing nothing. Many people feel that this is truly a step in the right direction for women's equality in India.

If you wonder where the figure of 51 slaps came from, it is actually an ancient Indian tradition, dating back almost 2,500 years. Alright, I made that up, it is actually an arbitrary number chosen by tribal leaders who had been into the ceremonial rum a little too early.

The man was also fined by the tribe in the amount of $110. While that may not sound like much for the brutal rape of a woman who can neither hear nor speak, to be fair, in Indian rupees, the sum is equivalent to about $1,450,293 dollars, or half the gross domestic product of India.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Christopher Reeve's Children To Continue Mission

Two of the late Christopher Reeve's children will serve on the board of his Foundation, continuing their father's mission: making as many terrible movies as possible. In a statement released earlier this week, the children said that it saddened them to see their father never reach his goal of becoming the first actor ever to make 15 straight-to-video movies in a row, and they wouldn't rest until that goal had been completed. "He left some unfinished business", said Matthew Reeve, "before he died, he was talking about making a sequel to Gigli, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to see that through."

This sentiment was shared by Reeve's dauther, Alexandra, who plans to star in the upcoming film 'Baked', which is subtitled, 'The rise and fall of the potato gun'. She will play the role of the inventor's daughter. The tear-jerking plot is wrought with emotion and centers around the struggles of a girl who had to grow up as the daughter of a guy who invented something that shoots a potato. It is set to be released in early 2007, with the occasion being marked by a cast party and private screening in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.

In other news, Matthew and Alexandra have also announced their intentions to continue the paralysis research funded and started by their father. Said Alexandra, "Our dad's accident really did connect us to this community: 4 million people in the U.S. who are suffering from paralysis." She then added, "Before our dad, we would often taunt the paralyzed people, tossing change at them and poking them in the legs when they weren't looking, you know, just to make sure they weren't faking it."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Baywatch Cast Reunites!

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff were among a group of other television stars that you haven't heard from since 2001, celebrating the release of DVD box sets of the first two seasons of 'Baywatch'. The show began in 1989, and was cancelled after the first season because the ratings were low, people hated it, and it was just plain painful to watch. David Hasselhoff, who plays the part of Mitch Buchannon, and I like even less than Pat Buchannan, revived the show in 1991, where it got huge international acclaim, proving conclusively that the United States is the smartest nation in the world, if only by default.

David Hasselhoff became famous by starring in the series, 'Knight Rider'. If you haven't heard of it, it's probably because it sucked as well. In that series, Hasselhoff played a cop who was nearly killed by a gunshot wound to the head, only to be saved by a metal plate that had been implanted in his cranium. Never in my life have I so loathed the word 'nearly'.

Pamela Anderson signed on to Baywatch in the second season, years before her vagina got too large to fit into a normal sized swimsuit. This show began her breasts' rise to stardom, a rise that concluded when she had them removed, citing the fact that they were now more famous than she was.

Although Baywatch was truly a sad decade for America, I have a plan that will allow the Baywatch actors to redeem themselves (although Hasselhoff may be too far gone at this point). I suggest running episodes of Baywatch at suspected terrorist interrogations. One hour of this, and most will be begging us to let them leak valuable information about their groups. The videos might also make for a quick end to hostage stand-offs, bringing an end to a domestic problem that has plagued us for all too long.

It is unsure how many copies of the DVDs will be sold, but one thing is certain, doctors will be seeing an increase in brain aneurisms this Christmas season.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Bush Approves Border Fence

President George Bush signed legislation into law earlier today approving 700 miles of fence along the US-Mexico border. The fence would cover about a third of the total border. This has prompted illegal immigrants to draw up a new plan for crossing the ever changing border.Immigrants feel that the new plan will be an effective tool, and feel that they have put at least as much thought, if not more, into border control than the United States has.

Unfortunately, the bill offers no way to pay for the full cost of this fence, leading some to wonder where the money will have to come from. The early estimates suggest the fence could cost more than twice the 1.2 billion dollars appropriated in the bill.

The act has not been met with complete approval, however, and has caused some friction between the United States and its neighbor to the south. Foreign Secretary Luis Ernesto Derbez said that President Vincente Fow of Mexico even thought of taking the issue to the United Nations. Fox has since ruled out the suggestion, citing the possible "international embarrassment/ass kicking" Mexico would take in the suit.

Although they have backed away from international action, Mexico has condemned the fence act, calling it "a unilateral measure that goes against the spirit of understanding that should characterize how shared problems between neighboring countries are handled and that affects cooperation in the hemisphere."

You know, Mexico is right. After all, before putting up a fence, you should have to ask the country whose people are breaking in whether or not they approve of it. In fact, the philosophy led Mexico to develop a new policy of allowing inmates to draw up the blueprints for new prisons, but then realized new prisons wouldn't be necessary, since most of their criminals are already in the United States.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

New Republican Campaign Ad

After the RNC released its new "stakes" ad, I was thrilled. Thrilled because people need to truly know just what kind of pansies the Democrats really are. The only objection I had is that the commercial sugarcoated the Democrats reputation on national security. It was too soft on them. Bill Clinton can't be let off the hook this easily. So, I have created my own commercial, which I am making available to the Republican National Committee free of charge. Here it is:

Now I think everyone can agree that this ad will convey the proper message. Don't be offended by the truth, just vote Republican.

Note: This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done...and thats saying quite a bit.

Friday, October 20, 2006

What Countries Are Really Doing In The UN General Assembly

Being that there are now 192 nations involved in the UN, thought it would be interesting to find out what some of them really do during the meeting of the general assembly. It is through eavesdropping, tireless research, and immoral sexual favors that I have composed this list.

Bahrain- When this country isn't having little to no effect on United Nations policy, it is trading its vote to any country with more than a million people and enough time to at least smile and nod when it passes them in the hallway. To be fair, the President of the General Assembly for 2006 is from Bahrain, but then again I've never heard of her and neither have you.

Venezuela- The Venezuelans sit under the name of the "Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela", probably just so they can get a better seat in the alphabetical system. They spend most of their time photoshopping pictures in order to make it look like George Bush is kissing other men or, a personal favorite of President Chavez's, giving a wrap-around to Satan himself.

East Timor- East Timor has the lowest per capita GDP in the world, and a total of about 370 million, or about half of President Bush's Christmas Club account. This country can usually be seen playing pranks on the other nations in the General Assembly, and I hear one of their favorites is the blowgun tranquilizer dart to the throat, always a crowd favorite.

Kyrgyzstan- This country spends the biggest part of its time in the UN asking Papua New Guinea if it can borrow some vowels from its name, and swearing it will return them. Apart from that, this country can often be seen doing crossword puzzles and pretending to talk on the phone in order to make people think they are important.

If the United Nations were a giant box of strawberries, most of the countries would be the ones at the bottom, that get soft and moldy no matter how fast you eat them. With that said, I leave you with this picture of the knotted gun that stands outside the UN building in New York. It is a glorius symbol of peace, and also a great metaphor for the effectiveness of the institution itself.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Insulting Wisconsin Man Detained At Airport

Ryan Bird, of Wisconsin, was detained at Milwaukee Airport Tuesday, after writing "Kip Hawley is an idiot" on his plastic, see through, terrorist-proof bag of toiletries. Airport officials detained the man for 25 minutes while trying to determine if what was written was actually a threat. This analysis took almost half an hour, proving conclusively that Ryan Bird may actually be the most clever person in Wisconsin.

The object of Bird's frustration, Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security for the TSA, Kip Hawley, has caught a lot of criticism lately, and not just about his name. The TSA has come under fire from passangers as more than 60 agents have been arrested for stealing property from suspecting passangers. TSA agents, on the other hand have fought beack with statements saying they are frustrated by low wages and by continually being called idiots.

With all the hullabaloo that this has caused, however, I for one do not see the real problem here. As one TSA screener put it so eloquently to the obviously irrational Bird "You can't right things like that." I couldn't have said it better myself. There is simply no reason why first amendment rights should extend inside the airport screening area. Why doesn't Bird just fly over to Pakistan, brush out Bin Laden's beard, and give him a hot stone massage, complete with happy ending? Jihad has never felt so good.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Ways To End Your Marriage

With the divorce rate as it is, you might think that people have a pretty good handle on ways to get out of marriages. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. So for the benefit of the people who may otherwise kill, mutilate, and/or drop kick their spouses in the face, I have come up with my top 5 easy, non-violent ways to make your way back to single-town, population: Rosie O'Donnel.

3.) Steal half your spouses stuff- Confrontations can often get messy, and since both of you hate each other, and probably yourselves, the best way to end this is to simply take half of everything and leave. This one works great for couples who can barely stand to look at each other anymore. Oh, and nothing quite send a message like cutting that 5th place mat her late grandmother embroidered right in half.

2.) Pretend to be gay- This one is hard, because you may have to do a little acting. Start by wearing that bathrobe untied in the front, and waiting outside the door for the mailman. Drop little subtle hints, and make sure that your clothing always matches. And stop being a slob, because then no one will buy your act. This technique only works for men, because being a lesbian only makes men more attracted to you.

1.) Buy your partner a Chia Pet- This method is perhaps one of the most effective in obtaining that coveted divorce. If you were under the impression that it is the thought that counts when considering gifts for your spouse, try bringing home one of these beauties. In fact, studies have shown that divorce rates are as high as 90% in households containing at least one Chia pet and/or other Chia related products. The best part about this plan is that if you are Catholic, just bring in the offending pet/head and the Priest won't think twice about signing those annulment papers.

With these suggestions, I suspect that spousal murder rates will decline sharply, at least among both the people who will read this. So think before you go crazy with murder, because quite frankly, you probably aren't smart enough to do it without getting caught anyway. And at about $20 a piece for assorted Chia items, you can't afford not to end your marriage. Di-Di-Di-Divorce!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

News Round-Up

It Takes One To Know One
Cherie Blair, the wife of British PM Tony Blair, only pretended to slap 17 year-old Miles Gandolfi after he held two fingers up behind her head during a photograph. The faux slap came after Blair allegedly referred to Gandolfi jokingly as, cheeky. Gandolfi then responded, "I'm not the only one", as he pinched the lawyers gigantic jowls.

Bounty Hunter Lands In Doghouse
The reality-television bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman was required to wear a monitoring "collar" until his extradition hearing to Mexico. The star was arrested after helping with the apprehension of Andrew Luster, the heir to the Max Factor cosmetic company. During the hearing in which Dog was ordered to wear the monitor, fans held signs and cheered outside the courtroom. While the authorities officially have their Luster back, Dog has seemingly lost none of his.

Spinach Contaminated, Children Celebrate
Jubilation rang through the streets of the nation as kids everwhere celebrated the news that tainted spinach had been pulled off shelves all over the country. Many saw the announcement last week as a major victory in the war against healthy food, a war that has been fought by the children since "we first learned how to spit", a spokesperson for the group, said. Little Johnny Waterhall also added, "If we didn't demonstrate, it would send a message to our parents that America's children are weak."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Single Handedly Boost Your Income!

We can all use more money, and what better way to pad your wallet then getting paid to move on yourself like Patton on Sicily. That's right, if you have ever wanted to have a child or ten, only to be plagued by thoughts of "I'm too lazy, irresponsible, hideously ugly" then sperm donation is just the thing for you.

Becoming a sperm donor is not easy, and while you may have honed your ability to perfection with years of sitting in front of the television, computer screen, or older sister's bedroom, in this case, it's what's on the inside that counts. Just remember, if you get turned down because you happen to be sperm deficient, or you happen to be full of physically disabled sperm, who just can't swim very well, chances are you will never live it down, so give you're best effort the first time.

So now I say to you, go, go where every man has gone before, sometimes more than once a day, and actually get paid to do it. Be proud, you're living the American dream, and nothing can take that away, except perhaps a girlfriend, a vasectomy, or a photo of Margaret Thatcher. But enjoy it while it lasts, because who knows how long you have before your child manufacturing job falls victim to outsourcing.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Police Chief, Mayor, and Councilman Resigns Over Wife's Adult Website

The resignations of Tod Ozmun, Mayor Dale Moore, and Councilman Clifford Barnard came amid controversy in Snyder, Oklahoma about nude photos posted on the internet of the police chief's wife, Doris Ozmun. Many citizens had hoped for legal action, but after a "thorough" investigation, the town council ruled that the pictures were protected by the first amendment.

While the original pictures have been removed from the internet, no doubt for the good of civilization as a whole, I managed to find this picture of Doris. From what I can tell, it is not the police chief who should have resigned, but in fact the townspeople who were looking for these sort of photos in the first place. Boy do I feel bad for that flag.

But if you think this controversy has made Tod any less accepting of his wife's activities, you would be wrong. In an interview Ozmun said "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis, it's absolutely ludicrous." I might add at the beginning of that sentence, "Much better looking people". Although he says he has spoken with his wife about her activity, he says, "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." I hope there weren't a lot of large criminals in Snyder.

In other news, the police chief in Las Vegas was promoted after nude photos of his wife surfaced on the internet.

Monday, September 11, 2006

September 11th - We Remember

September 11th, 2001 was a day no one who was old enough to remember will ever forget. Five years later that day has been used to justify a war, illegal wire-taps, and other activities. I hope that today, we can sit and remember the day for what it was, a horrible terrorist attack on not only the US, but western culture as a whole. A day that broke our hearts individually, but united them again as one heart and one nation, and tore down the walls of ignorance and intolerance that we had built, for however short a time.

Today, let us not only remember the victims of that fateful day, but also the men and women who fight each and every day for the freedoms and values that we as a culture hold dear. Take a moment to reflect on what 9/11 meant to you, and to think about the victims and the soldiers. If you have time, visit the websites at the bottom of this post, and take a minute to remember the people who gave their lives, or had their lives taken. Make 9/11 a day not to promote war, but a day to promote peace, tolerance and love of one another.

September 11th Victims Memorial
Honor The Fallen

Note: Now that I am back in school, posts should start coming a lot more frequently, and I should be updating almost every day.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Results Are In: Landis Too Manly For Cycling

This week, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was branded a cheater after an anti-doping test came back positive for extraordinary amounts of the sex hormone and anabolic steroid testosterone. Landis has denied all claims of foul play, and says that the high level of testosterone is a result of his body's natural processes, making him one hell of a man. I have no evidence to back me up, but I suspect Landis must need to shave at least 4 times a day, eat red meat around the clock, and routinely buy tools just to keep his testosterone happy.

While Landis would be the first rider to lose his Tour de France title if found guilty, he is certainly not the first person to be accused of cheating. Lance Armstrong, who won 7 straight Tours, a record, was constantly under the microscope. In fact, he had to have a testicle removed just so he could qualify for competition, and even then, he was a man among boys. Obviously Landis should have considered doing the same.

With all eyes on him, and the allegations, rocking the world of cycling fans, all 12 of them, Landis has so far managed to keep his cool. But as pressure builds, I have some advice to offer the world class biker: be proud. You are the most masculine of all cyclists, a group notorious for their manly behavior and tight uniforms. Live it up, you are a hero for all those blessed with unusually high testosterone. The people who were picked on, downtrodden, and never had a chance to be normal, like this well known movie character.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

USA Eliminated From World Cup

After an embarrassing loss to the Czech Republic, a spirited tie with Italy, and a disappointing loss to Ghana, the US squad finished last in Group E of the 2006 World Cup. Luckily, while some nations shut down during the World Cup, soccer causes less of a stir in the United States than Janet Jackson's nipple. Occasionally, when I feel like I am the only soccer fan left in this country, I like to make a show of my support, and I take the liberty of taking an hour off from work in the middle of the day, as I was forced to do last Thursday. However, my show of national pride did not impress my soccer loathing, US hating boss, and my actions didn't go without notice. It is the nation's apathy toward the sport of soccer that has inspired me to write about what I have learned during the first round and now into the first day of eliminations, and also what I think is needed to make soccer popular in this our beloved United States.

What I Have Learned
1.) Thank God we seperated ourselves from the English- You don't have to look far to find instances of English hooligans causing a ruckus. Just last week over 200 English fans were arrested for throwing chairs and othe items at celebrating German fans. And you thought Clive Anderson was the worst thing to come out of England.

2.) I really need to take a trip to Mexico- The World Cup is known for bringing nations together, and it has inspired me to make an effort and bring myself together with a few of our friends from the South. If only all immigrants looked like this.

How To Improve Soccer In The US
1.) Bigger nets- One thing Americans hate about soccer? Not enough scoring. This could all be changed by adding some surface area to those damn nets. My conservative suggestion doubles each dimension of the net. Not enough scoring before? How about when the net is 42 feet long and 16 feet tall. Let's see you reach the crossbar now Mr. Goalkeeper.

2.) Smaller Goalies- If you think that scoring is just too difficult against these 6'+ goalkeepers, just wait until you see a midget in every net. In order to be fair to everyone, I propose a height limit of 5'. Think about the joy of horse jockeys, who have always felt themselves too short to play soccer. Now they can feel free to try out for any team they wish.

If my suggestions don't inspire a renewed desire in Americans to watch soccer, I simply don't know what will. Perhaps Janet Jackson's nipple.

(Note: Unfortunately, my blog was being a little uncooperative and not allowing me to post pictures, so I linked to one, and left out the other. If this has happened to anyone else, or you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment. Thanks, and I apologize for the inconvenience of the link.)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

R. Kelly Sex Tape To Be Shown To Public

Judge Vincent Gaughan announced earlier this week that, despite requests from prosecutors and defense attorneys alike, he is going to allow the public and the media to view the sex tape that allegedly shows singer R. Kelly committing lewd sex acts with a 13 year old girl. The judge cited that there was no "overarching interest" in keeping the public from viewing the tape. He said that not allowing the public to see the key piece of evidence could result in an unfair trial for Kelly. When reminded that the tape contained video of a 13 year old girl in embarrassing and sexually degrading acts, the judge replied "huh?" But imagine the joy of Chicago pedophiles, upon hearing that instead of having to work so hard to hide their child pornography collections from the authorities, the authorities were going to bring child pornography right to them...LEGALLY!

Based on the belief that a fair trial is impossible without showing complete disregard for the victim, I have another suggestion for the court. Why not have each jury member and the judge take turns urinating on the girl, who is now 21? They certainly won't be prejudice if they each have committed one of the very same acts. This is sure to create a much more fair trial. In fact, why not have a public urination? Put each member of the public in Kelly's place, let them feel the pain of the true victim. It is only fair after all.

So what does this mean for the general public? What does it mean for a 21 year old woman who most likely wants nothing more than to get on with her life? I'm not really sure, but in a city known for its corrupt judges, Gaughan has just raised the bar. So let's all rush to Chicago for a public viewing of child pornography, not to mention their 2-for-1 sale on idiots.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

You Thought Your Job Was Stressful

Oftentimes, we look at the amount of stress our own jobs place on us, and we feel a little overwhelmed, but I now realize that I have it easy. One person in the world that almost certainly has a more stressful job than I? The Pope. Imagine being put in charge of just over 1 Billion people. He is the most powerful boss in the world, and is expected to keep track of everyone, all without looking like a complete jerk. Not easy if you ask me.

If being the Prince of the Apostles and the Vicar of Christ isn't enough pressure to deal with, try being the infallible when it comes to questions of religion and morals. Getting a little hot under the mitre are you? It isn't easy being nearly perfect, and just imagine, if the Catholics screw up under your watch, who do you think God will be coming after.

But I suppose being the Pope isn't all bad. After, since Catholic doctrine says that the Roman Church is above all other churches, you would be the leader of the number one church in the world. On top of that, you have your own city, which is possibly the coolest thing I have ever heard of.

But if you have decided that you would some day like to be Pope, not so fast. The office is gained only through election by God. Well, either that or a group of high ranking Bishops, whichever is easier to get ahold of (God is very busy, especially on weekends). However, if this doesn't really suit you, with enough money you can always buy the position (see the Borgia family), or father illegitimate children (see Pope Paul III, Pope Alexander VI, Pope Pius IV...). But don't let this stop you, and if you are fortunate enough to become Pope, remember this advice: Nothing tells people who question your authority to shut the hell up like a leather-bound copy of the Dogmatic Constitution.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Mexico Struggles With Immigrant Problems

While the immigration issue in this the horrible, unaccepting United States of ours generally gets all the attention, Mexico has its own problems. In fact, Mexico has had to institute tough anti-immigration laws in order to keep the situation under control. It is easy to see how immigration could be such a problem for a country with a net migration rate of -4.32 (CIA Factbook), but many fear things have gone too far.

Foreign born people in Mexico make up roughly half a percent, that's right .5% of the population, while in the USA the figure is around 13%. These foreigners in Mexico are not allowed to hold public office, are unable to vote, and can be permanently deported for the crime of "getting involved in politics", a crime that ranges from helping a political campaign to becoming the Governor of California.

But it is no real surprise that the Mexican people distrust Americans, with our hippies, steroids, and shoes with heels that light up. But, who wouldn't want to go to a country where the water causes irritable bowel syndrome, and the citizens sneak into the bordering country to pick fruit, fillet fish, and dig holes?

Most people agree the US is overdue for immigration reform, and perhaps we should let Mexico be our guide. First, we would have to remove Arnold Schwarzenegger from office and castrate him with a sewing needle. Next we would have to place keen eyed citizens outside all the government buildings, in order to stop would be government affectors. Lastly, we would appoint large, burly athletes who routinely use steroids to guard the border. That way they could, kick, throw, or hurl immigrants back into their own country. After all, if it's good enough for Mexico, it's good enough for...wait a minute, what the hell am I saying.

So go, enjoy Mexico and their gladiator like immigration obstacles. Trust me, the language in which they sing the National Anthem will be the least of your worries.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Water-Tight Case Against Natural Selection

When you think of fish, you might think of an animal with a small brain that feeds only on instinct, and this is exactly where Darwin's theory of natural selection falls apart. If his theory was correct, this type of fish should have died out by now. How many fish are caught each year using a dead worm on the end of a thin piece of string. This form of stupidity should no longer exist after millions of years. At what point do fish realize that a worm hanging in an awkward position, squirming or dead, generally has a hook in the end of it. Did worms hang out in the water practicing their advanced yoga position at one time? I think not.

It seems pretty clear now that natural selection is a foolish theory proposed only by godless people like Charles Darwin. The work of the Devil, if I might say so myself. I mean, it is unthinkable that humans could have anything in common at all with fish. Even if, on the of chance that we happened to be an ancestor of the fish, surely none of this idiotic behavior carried over.
Obviously, we have nothing in common with these barbaric, dim-witted, water-dwelling animals.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Depressed Muslims Targeted As Potential Suicide Bombers

It is quickly becoming harder and harder for extremist Muslim groups to find happy young men willing to be involved in suicide bombing. For that reason, many terrorist groups have begun searching for men with a bleaker perspective, hoping they would be more receptive to the idea of blowing themselves up in a crowded area. According to a recent gallup poll, many suicidal people felt that suicide bombing was a great way to "go out with a bang", and over 50% said that they felt that they would be more likely to be remembered after a suicide bombing as opposed to more "mundane" forms of self-destruction.

Much of the concern has come in recent times, when many Muslims with otherwise impecable suicide credentials seem to be interested in other things. In a statement released late Saturday evening, a spokesman wrote: "Many potential candidates seem to be less than overjoyed at the prospect of becoming martyrs. Instead they say that they feel a desire to 'raise a family', or, 'better themselves'. Some even said that they didn't believe women should have to be fully veiled every time they leave their house." He then added, "Just kidding about that last part."

One of the other disputes has been over the question of the 72 virgins that each Muslim is to receive upon their arrival in heaven. Many young men have expressed concern about the state of these women. One man had this to say: "Honestly, I'm not sure it is such a good thing after all, I mean, if they are still virgins now, how attractive could they really be. I don't want to end up staring at a 6 dozen Roseanne's after I kill myself."

While many remain hopeful, some say that modern Muslims may be too optimistic about life to remain fully dedicated to the Jihad. "It is unbelievable how few people are willing to put their lives on the line for just one day" said one respondant to the poll. "It is just pure selfishness."

Friday, May 05, 2006

Bumper Stickers That Say More Than You May Think

Oftentimes, people see fit to use their cars as a billboard, and there are certainly no shortage of people willing to come up with inane expressions for people to load up on at $1.50 each. Like adhesive cocaine, people will put their beliefs, ideals, and laundry detergent on their bumpers for everyone to see, and here are a few that caught my eye.
Someone slaps a sticker on their 1990 Toyota Tercel that they got free on earth day from a group of pot-smoking hippies and all of a sudden they are a humanitarian. It only takes a quick glace in the window to realize that this person has little to no knowledge of Buddhism, the Dalai Lama, or even Tibet in general, but knowledge be damned, they will fight tyranny wherever they hear it exists. But keep fighting the good fight, because you, average joe, are kicking some Chinese ass, one sticker at a time.

It is a rare thing to have a thing this simple be able to so eloquently convey such a cocky message. There is no other sticker that says quite as well: I'm an egotistical jackass who happens to know how to play a guitar. Although a catchy tune may seem like a viable solution to all the violence in the world, it occurs to me that it didn't work too well for the Revolutionary War buglers. The buglers are also a shining example of what happens to people who spend all their time in the music room: they end up in the middle of the battlefield with nothing but a wind instrument for self-defense.

This is usually used as a sign on the side of school vans, but is also reported to be seen on the minivans of stuck-up parents of home-schooled children. This last sticker I find personally offensive. What the hell could I possibly be doing to the other cars on the road, that I need to be informed that this one is carrying children. Perhaps some people are thinking, "hmm, this van has children in it, perhaps I should refrain from mooning and/or lobbing a hand grenade through the window. Apparently there are people who I am unaware of who routinely misbehave so badly behind the wheel that they must be reminded of the presence of small children from time to time.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

New Barbershop Proposes Lingerie For Work Wear

Peter Carlino has proposed an idea for a new hair salon in New Hampshire. In his shop, the female hairstylists will wear lingerie, and the customers will be allowed to choose what their favorite stylist wears. The place would be called "Paradise Cuts", and Carlino believes it is the next step in hair.

From what I know of New Hampshire woman (I am about to make a generalization about a large group of people), this salon should probably be avoided like syphilis, which, if this idea leads anywhere near where it appears to be going, may not be far off. Judging from these pictures, if I had a choice of what my hairstylist wore, I would select a nice set of overalls, or anything else made of heavy denim and having a large coverage area.

But an underwear salon would certainly appeal to some people, because as many of us know, there is nothing quite as erotic as a half-naked woman weilding a pair of scissors and a comb. For the others, this image might bring back memories of some of your first hair-cuts, given by your mom.

But in the end, I fear that sharp objects, hot rollers, a chair with gearing mechanisms, and nudity just don't mix. Throw in an inevitable sexual harrasment lawsuit, and you have yourself a business fit for Las Vegas. I'm not sure that New Hampshire is ready for type of enterprise, and I have a feeling it will only take a few lawsuits for stylist injury, and perhaps a wrongful death suit or two, to make Peter Carlino reconsider this business idea.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Most Discriminated Against Group In The World (Besides Every Other Group In The World)

Throughout the years, there is one group that has been constantly downtrodden and treated as second class citizens. Slurs are hurled at them from every angle, "south paw" in the United States, "wacky" in Britain, no matter where they went there was no escape. Left-handed people have been discriminated against for decades, from the times when they used to have their hands tied behind their backs, to when they were forced to use a pair of right-handed scissors.

The left-handed civil rights movement has been pushed aside time after time through the centuries, giving way to other, less important causes, such as slavery, feminism, gay and lesbian equality, and animal rights. The Handedness Research Institute (HRI) has been working to try to bring lefties into the public eye, and with such prominent figures as Pat Robertson, Fidel Castro, and Albert DeSalvo (known mostly as the Boston Strangler, who was obviously protesting over left-handed discrimination) it is unclear as to why they have yet to be successful.

One of the biggest complaints that the HRI has is the lack of left-handed desks in public classrooms. On their website they state that having a room of right-handed desks sends the message "we only care about the others, you don't count." Either that or it sends the message, "my school got all their desks from the same place." Although left-handed people have suffered at the hands of righty for most of their lives, many have persevered, and went on to live very successful lives (except, of course, for Jack-the-Ripper, who couldn't handle the pressure of his left-handedness, and was forced to murder).

Fortunately for everyone, the left-handed equality movement has so far been a peaceful one. This is most likely due to the lack of left-handed weaponry available for them to use. But even with this being true, the group has by no means ruled out revolution. A spokesman said that the group will not stop until America makes some changes. He then added "you have no idea what a victory it would be to hear just one person say 'no one in their left mind'. And this is just one example of the discrimination we put up with every day.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Spanked Employee Receives 500K In Lawsuit

In a lawsuit involving the "camraderie-building" exercises of an alarm company, Janet Orlando, 53, was awarded $500,000 dollars for sexual harassment and sexual battery. Alarm One Inc., an extension of the local Sigma Phi Theta fraternity, was accused of spanking Orlando when her team lost one of the games, presumably beer pong.

I find this ruling to be way out of line. I mean, these people were just having a little fun. Orlando wouldn't have lasted a day if she had worked at my first job with the Sausage Factory. If she thought spanking was bad...er...never mind. The truth is, none of this would have happened if Janet Orlando had just asked the company to put her on the do not spank list, and judging from this AP photo, the company couldn't have been far away from putting her there themselves.

But the real outrage here is not the acts that Orlando was subjected to, but the ungratefulness with which she accepted them. For absolutely nothing, Janet got the kind of action that usually costs anywhere from 50-75 dollars extra, depending on your location. Just from looking at Orlando, I'm going to go ahead and say that she hasn't seen this much sexual attention since her senior prom. I think that this judgement should be overturned by a higher court, and I should know, because I'm the mayor of this here town.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Condoms Lead To Sex, Keep Them Out Of Schools

When I hear about a plan to put condoms in schools, I begin to wonder just what has happened to this country. Now for those of you who say that providing teenagers with condoms doesn't encourage sexual promiscuity, just listen to my bullet proof logic. Giving sexually depraved teens condoms is like giving someone in a fat camp a piece of steak. Now imagine wrapping that steak in a plastic bag...there is no way they can be expected to resist it.

The truth is, if we want to protect our youth, we must keep them from discovering just what sex with a condom is like. If they truly knew how great it was, there would be no stopping them. Babies would not be born to high schoolers at rates that are unprecedented in today's society. HIV protection would be at an all-time high, because kids and condoms would become inseperable. Once condoms are widely available, I fear that they will be upon us. Wild, protected sex in the streets, in cars, in bedrooms, at a moments notice.

But to you parents, I say, do not be afraid. There is still something you can do. You must talk to your teenagers about the dangers of safe sex, and let them know, that under no circumstances are they ever to have sex, at least not until you die. If there is one thing we know, it is that condom availability=more sex (for those of you checking facts and calling me a liar, I suppose I am guilty as charged). But don't worry, I'm sure your adolescent son or daughter has never even thought about sex, let alone considered engaging in it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Finally, The Cure For Racism

Most people have seen or experience racism at some time in their lives (except Italians of course, since they are superior to everyone else), but no one has proposed a clear cut solution, until now. I believe, that if we are ever to be truly equal, we must all get only one thing: a bad hair cut. If the plan works correctly, by the time someone is finished gawking at your head, chances are they will never even notice the color of your skin (unless you're Native American...people can spot a Native American from miles away).

It should be noted that I have yet to do any real research on the possible effects of this plan (I came up with it on friday night, but all the white people were bowling, the black people were dunking basketballs, the hispanic people were playing baseball, and the asians were doing math problems).

At least one Congresswoman, Cynthia McKinney, has already given my idea her full endorsement. With hair like this, not even a Klan member would notice the color of her skin. Although many people felt McKinney's hair-doo looked something like Ronald McDonald's after a long night's sleep, I think it is safe to say she is just ahead of her time.

Based on what I have written, I see no reason for states not to begin to institute mandatory hair-cuts for all citizens. There would have to be many choices to go along with the Cynthia McKinney, such as Donald Trump, Albert Einstein, and High School Vice Principal. After all, why take the time to get to know each other individually when we can simply cover our differences with laws and regulations.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Homophobia, And Other Values America Was Founded On

You may get the feeling that you aren't living in the same America that the first settlers arrived in, and you would be right. Today's America is undoubtedly more tolerant, less violent, and more accepting, and according to Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, nothing could be worse. Over on their website, at www.godhatesfags.com, the group urges people to renew their prejudices, and stop incurring God's wrath.

Now with a message like this, you may think that the church has a large following, but you would be wrong. Of its less than 100 members, all but one family or so are related by blood to Phelps. For you out there who say that this must mean there has been some sort of incestuous relationships, you would be right on target. Their website states that they are against violence and killing of any kind, including abortion, and they insist that all countries make homosexuality a capital crime and impose the death penalty. Now this may seem to be inherently contradictory, but one can't rely on facts when they have gays to discriminate against.

Phelps cites the sick perversions of every homosexual relationship, placing an entire group of people into one category. After all, if we can't trust vicious, ignorant stereotypes, how will we know anything about different kinds of people. But Fred Phelps is confident in his faith, and although he is still losing his 74 year old game of "smear the queer", he remains confident. He inspires his congregation every week with the words: "America is doomed."

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Bush Approval Ratings Hit New Low

In the midst of a War on Terror, a stagnant economy, and a still unsuccessful game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden, the President's job approval rating dropped to just 33% this past week. Despite the numbers, Bush continues to insist he is doing a great job, and said yesterday he was even considering giving himself a promotion. "You know, sometimes I wonder why I am only the leader of the free world", Bush said, "when there is so much of the world under tyrannical and military rule that I could control."

Although the President dismissed the new ratings, Republicans are becoming concerned. Many feel that if things continue as they are going, the party may have trouble gathering support for another candidate. Some high ranking party members have started to compile a list of people they feel have what it takes to win the election, and so far, they only have one option: Jesus of Nazareth. "It's going to take a miracle", said Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlmen, "and who better to provide it." Mehlman then added, "either he or the Supreme Court."

But with all the speculation, the President can't be too happy with the ratings collected over the past weeks. The current support level places him somewhere between Timothy McVeigh, and the guy who did the voice for the giant pitcher of Kool-Aid.

With support waning for his administration, and many people calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, one can only expect that George Bush is beginning to look to the legacy that he will leave behind when he goes out of office. He will most likely be looked upon as the President who sent the nation into an ill-advised war and increased the national debt and unemployment, but still didn't sleep with a hideous intern. With all the public opinion that is working agains the President, I think there is probably only one way to save his legacy, which is why I have chosen the perfect nominee for the Republican Party: Tom Cruise.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New Posts Coming Soon

I apologize to anyone who might make it a point to read my blog regularly for the infrequent posts as of late. My schedule has been quite hectic lately, and I have had very little time for writing, but I hope to have some time within the next few days. For the time being, perhaps you want to check this out:

Jerry Seinfeld on The Daily Show

This clip features two of my favorite comedians in the same place, I'm not sure it gets any better than that. This is a pretty funny exchange about superheroes, American Express commercials, and life after Seinfeld. This clip downloaded very slowly for me on YouTube, and I have a fast connection, but it might have just been peak hours or a new video.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Fox News Reports On Major Scientific Breakthrough

Fox News once again proves it is always first on the scene by reporting on one of the biggest breakthroughs in the history of science. Many academics have toiled long and hard, but only recently have they come up with the formula for...the perfect booty. That's right, after years of research, and thousands of tax payer daughters, Dr. David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University has come up with the equation. He stated that he originally began searching for the formula for the perfect ass in hopes of gaining insight into why he could never seem to get any, but since then it has become purely a scientific endeavor, and he feels that this is information that is too important to keep to himself.

The field of "tushology" has been neglected for a lot of years, as evidenced by a google search in which the term turns up 3 results from 2 websites. But the good doctor has a point, after all, if we don't know what the perfect derriere consists of, then what chance do we have of being self concious about it our entire lives.

The formula that Dr. Holmes devised contains 6 variables, 5 of which are based on a scale of 1-20. These include bounciness, firmness, skin texture, circularity, and overall shape. Let's compare these two butts for instance. The first is awarded a score of about 5o or so, with the perfect score being somewhere in the neighborhood of 80. The second gets a score of -12, with extra 12 points off because the booty belongs to Roseanne.

Well there you have it, the run down on the latest scientific breakthrough. Unfortunately for America, the formula was discovered in Britain, and now adds to the pile of evidence supporting the theory that the US is falling behind in the scientific community. Several big name figures, including the science advisor to President Bush, have stated that this can only be seen as a great defeat for the American people, but a great victory for all those who love a good posterior.

Academics Develop Formula For Perfect Butt
I'm not making this up.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Porn Stars Shave To Support "No More Bush" Campaign

Porn stars are perhaps the last people you might think would be making a political statement, but they have, choosing to shave their nether regions as a sign of their wanting George W. Bush out of office. If anyone was wondering what it would take for the stars of arguably the most morally bankrupt industry to make a statement judging someone's morals, you now know. As Angel Cassidy, the spokes-whore for the group put it, "Sometimes your voice doesn't get enough attention, but nudity seems to do the trick." Cassidy is shown here proudly displying her contribution to the political system.

The stars claim to speak for nearly the entire adult industry, saying that most everyone wants Bush out due to his efforts to crack down on pornography. Said Cassidy "There are better things in the world he should be worried about, like trying to get some of those Islamic sex slaves over here, that interracial girl-on-girl stuff is huge right now."

The Bush administration has chosen not to answer questions about the demonstration, but the President has showed some responsiveness to the protests, and has called a private meeting this friday in the Oval Office with all 8 porn stars involved.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Evolution Of The Modern President

A recent discovery in rural Pennsylvania has led a team of archaeologists to draft the above sketch of the evolution of the modern president. The team uncovered the remains of what they call a "missing link" between the era of common sense, and the era of outright stupidity. The remains date back to the early 1900's, directly before the Presidency of Woodrow Wilson. Scientists describe this find as a huge piece of the puzzle, and they feel it gives them a much better idea of where it all "fell apart." A spokesman commented that "Before this discovery, there was a serious lack of transitional evidence. To many people, it seemed like we had gone directly from winning the Spanish-American War and establishing gold as the standard for paper money, to a President who can't even pronounce the word "nuclear." I feel this just reaffirms what has been taught in civics classes for the last 50 years.

The find comes during the peak of intense debates that pit the evolutionary political scientists against the so-called "intelligent president" theorists. Proponents of the intelligent president hypothesis state that this model can't account for all of the cases that we see today, and many point to an "irreducible simplicity" in the minds of many of today's presidents. They urge schools to teach the controversy, pointing to the Clinton sex-scandal, the Watergate scandal, and Lyndon Johnson. Scientists continue to assert that there is no controversy, saying there is absolutely no evidence to support the intelligent president theory.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Intelligence Failure Lands Doyle In Jail

Brian Doyle, deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested Tuesday on charges of using a computer to seduce a minor and transmission of harmful material to a minor. He was caught when he struck up a sexually explicit conversation with a detective that he believed at the time to be a 14 year old girl. Doyle was apprehended in his home in Maryland, and confessed in his interviews with the police. He said that according to the intelligence reports that he had at the time, he believed that he was communicating with an actual 14 years old girl.

Doyle had sent the "girl" pictures of himself, and told her that he would send nude pictures once he received the same from her. The detective who was comunicating with Doyle described this as just one more sign that the youth of our country is becoming corrupted. "If seeing pictures of this man naked was supposed to be an incentive, then our children may have developed worse taste than we ever imagined", the detective said. "Just reading his responses tested my ability to suppress intense feelings of nausea and disgust."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

2007 NCAA Final Four Suggestions

After 4 of the best rounds the NCAA Division I basketball tournament has ever seen, the final four was highly anticipated. Unfortunately for fans, who paid big money to get tickets a year in advance, the last 3 games were about as competitive as the high jump in the special olympics. Unless you were from Florida, you were most certainly disappointed, as you were forced to watch 3 games that were seperated by a total of 45 points (the four games in the round of 8 were seperated by a total of 30 points). I think that the NCAA has an obligation to its fans to provide some sort of extra entertainment for the people that have waited an entire year to watch the games, and that is why I have formulated a few sugesstions.

1.) Naked Fire Juggling- If there is one way that I know of to make a great spectator sport, it is to combine nudity with fire. Perhaps during half-time, the NCAA could hire a man to juggle naked for awhile, and if all goes well, the fans will get to see someone burst into flames. Of course, the man would be sprayed with some highly flammable substance beforehand, just to make things more interesting. Take this man, for instance. Had he been doing this naked, there may have actually been some people there watching.

2.) Cheerleader Mud Wrestling- If juggling really hot sticks is a little too tame for you, then this should be right down your alley. I suggest that directly following the fire juggling, the cheerleaders from both schools should compete in a no holds barred mud wrestling competition at center court. The contest could consist of either one-on-one match-ups, or a full team free-for-all. In the interest of time, the male cheerleaders would not be allowed to compete.

Well, I'd say I've made some fantastic, thought-provoking suggestions for the NCAA Tournament Committee to consider next year. If they know what's good for them, they will certainly put my ideas into practice.

Friday, March 31, 2006

New ADD Medication

I'm not sure of the exact statistics, but I think that of the people in the United States, about 95% have been diagnosed with ADD. Now most doctors simply prescribe drugs as a way of controlling and tranquilizing anyone who happens to show signs of energy or creativity. This is probably a good idea, because energy and creativity are two of the most dangerous problems facing our society today, right up there with people urinating on electric fences.

Despite the effectiveness of these drugs in making sure children show no signs of life, i believe that there may be a better way. That is why I would like to introduce my newest invention: the ADD yard stick. It is made of spruce, a wood known for its high strength-to-weight ratio, and can really pack a wallop. The stick comes in packages of 6 or 12, since it usually doesn't last past one use, although for children with milder ADD, a swift rap on the knuckles is usually enough of a reminder to quiet them down.

Now I know you're thinking "That's a great idea, but what if my child or student has ADHD?" In the case of a child with this disorder, often the yard stick will not be enough to quiet them down. For these circumstances I have also developed the ADHD lead pipe. You'll feel like Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory as you bludgeon children with this wonderful educational tool. It's never too early to put a stop to ADD or ADHD behavior, and at only 19.99+S/H, you can't afford not to buy this terrific set. It makes a great gift, and remember, creative kids are the biggest threat we have to a docile and lazy society.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My Solution To The Illegal Immigrant Problem

I would like to take a break from my normally foolish posts to write about something that has been in the news a lot lately: the immigration debate. The big question is whether or not we should let people who are already here illegally earn legal status. Currently there are about 11 million illegal immigrants in our country, many of whom are simply looking for the peace of mind that only picking fruit and earning low wages can provide. So I say, let them gain their legal status, but perhaps we should find something for them to do in the mean time. This idea is the crux of my post. I vote for a simple solution, one that will allow the immigrants to earn their legality, and I do mean earn it. I say that for 6 years, illegal immigrants should have to spend 8 hours per day working on human hamster wheels.

That's right, I said human hamster wheels. Now, this may sound a bit far-fetched, but imagine the possibilities. We could hook the wheels up to small generators and provide power for so many people. We would cut energy costs by a tremendous amount, in a time where energy is certainly at a premium. This program would also serve as a deterant to other immigrants who might be thinking about coming to the US. Note the picture on the right. This is a man that in a couple of weeks will be scrambling to get back across the border, or at the very least back to his job as a Wal-Mart janitor.

Monday, March 27, 2006

New HIV Drug Shows Promise

Gilead Sciences Inc. has recently begun testing a drug that could give new hope to people who frequently engage in promiscuous and unprotected sex. The two new pills, Viread and Truvada, will cost $417 and $650 per month, respectively. Like any good drug, the pills will be far to expensive for the average person to buy, let alone the ones who often are most at risk. Even so, many people are excited about the drug, feeling that it could bring back the spirit, and most importantly the wanton sex, of the 60's and 70's.

In a time where people don't always have safe sex, it is important to come up with drugs that will allow them to experiment as they please, without all that pesky responsibility. Gone are the 90's, when Condoman showed us all the importance of wearing our own skin-tight uniform whenever we decided to have sex. This poster effectively debunked the myth that AIDS was only a "white-man's disease", while depicting a superhero in a condom-like suit. Although many hate to see these more traditional values be pushed aside, others feel that these drugs could be just the thing they are looking for. A hotel manager said of the drugs in an interview "As much as I want to make the right choices all of the time, that's not the reality of it." The fact is, people simply don't have the time or the ability to make decisions for themselves anymore, and with no role models like Condoman for young people to look up to, the problem would only get worse were it not for the drug industry.

Despite all the skepticism, the National Association for the Betterment of Prostitutes (NABP) has given their full endorsement to the new drugs. A spokeswhore for the group said that the drug has the potential to increase the life expectancy of prostitutes everywhere. If the drug companies play their cards right, these new drugs could replace crack cocaine for the average harlot. The first three shipments of the drugs are scheduled to go to Las Vegas, Africa, and San Francisco.

Friday, March 17, 2006

United States Setting Extraterrestrial Life Standards Too High?

Many people claim to have seen all sorts of alien crafts or alien beings, and some even say that they have been taken aboard the ships and examined, but to this day, the US has not encountered any of these beings in their own habitat. What is the reason for this you ask? Perhaps we are setting our standards too high. Whenever aliens come to earth they always seem to land in places like Alabama, New Mexico or Oklahoma. They also always tend to meet someone who possesses one or more of the following characteristics: straw hat, less than a full set of teeth, a significant underbite, and a 12 gauge shotgun in 3 or more rooms of their house.

After a brief introduction, the aliens generally take their test subject up to the space craft for examination and complimentary anal probe. The subject is almost always nude during this process, which really speaks volumes about aliens, because as humans, these are some of the last people that the general public would like to see naked. After this process is completed, the aliens plant a microchip in the subject, make an incomprehensible pattern in his crops, and off they go, never to be seen again. Aliens are obviously not trying to hard to conceal themselves from us, which makes me wonder why we have yet to be able to find them.

You might think that with all the space probes and such that we send out, we would have encountered something by now, but that is not the case. Aliens are very good hiders, or they are constantly out exploring other planets, and when you look at who they tend to find here, it's really not such a surprise that they don't seem to want to be found by us.

I for one, would like to recommend more space searches for extra terrestrial life. I know that there are some of you who will say that aliens don't exist, but I for one will have to disagree. They are out there, but perhaps we are setting too high of standards for ourselves. We are spending all our time searching for intelligent life, and the aliens are perfectly content with these people:

Monday, March 13, 2006

30.5% Of Americans Agree That Obesity Standards Are Too Strict

With the obesity rate in the US rising sharply, many people are looking for ways to "cut the fat", and slim down in time to avoid massive cardiac arrest causes by almost complete artery blockage. Although we would like to think that America can regain control of its weight and perhaps begin to live a healthy life, experts say that it is unlikely to happen, citing years and years of rising obesity rates and fat jokes. For that reason, I feel that it is time we lower the standards for fatness in our society.

Currently, around 30 and 1/2 percent of people in the United States are considered obese, and another 34 percent are considered overweight. Raising the standards would make people feel better about themselves, and also relieve the pressure of having to worry about things like proper nutrition and exercise. On the right is a group of people who under today's standards would be considered obese and probably quite unhealthy. The looks on the faces of these people can only be described as despair. They represent a large portion of Americans who are picked on daily and treated as second class citizens. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to walk down the street in pastel-colored one-piece leotards because the big and tall clothing store didn't have anything in your size.

The current standards state that anyone with a body mass index (BMI) of 25 or higher is overweight, and anyone with a BMI of over 30 is obese (go here to calculate your BMI). BMI takes into account height and weight, which means people who are very short may not get accurate readings. For instance, the person seen in the photo in the green leotard has a BMI of just about 100. Under my new standards, the 2 men on the left would have their condition upgraded from "obese" to "slightly overweight", a level that many large people find much easier to come to terms with.

The fact is, many obese people simply give up on diet an exercise, instead resorting to claims that they are "big-boned" or that they have "bad genes." My new levels would increase self confidence and most importantly, show those skinny, arrogant scientists that they will no longer be allowed to treat large people as though they have a problem. The United States needs to do something to solve the obesity epidemic, and diet and exercise is overrated.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Married? Looking For Love? You've Come To The Right Place

I was recently checking my e-mail and thinking, "You know, I wish there was some married woman I could have sex with", when I came across this message: $preAd EagLE - MaRrieD AnD H()RnY. I couldn't believe it! I thought it was probably too good to be true, but clicked on the link anyway. What I found was the Ashley Madison Foundation. Now the word "foundation" may make you think that it was started in the memory of some very promiscuos cancer patient, but don't let that fool you, this definately isn't your father's online affair service.

The new age Ashley Madison Foundation offers a service "For women seeking romantic affairs-and the men who want to fulfill them". The site also has the clever little catchphrase "When monogamy becomes monotony" and boasts over 825,000 members (pun intended). If you still aren't convinced that this is the kind of service you need, simply check the bottom right corner where you will find the popular "as seen on TV" logo. That's right, the Ashley Madison Foundation is in the same company as the Scunci Steamer and Urine Gone!

So if you have ever been interested in having an affair, there is no time like the present, and the Ashley Madison Foundation is there to help you all the way. Now get out there and slut it up, you're too good looking to be faithful!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Easiest Way To Ruin A Child's Social Life

Do you often think to yourself, "I'm not sure I'm doing everything I can do to destroy any and all of my child's social relations". If you do, you are certainly not alone. Is your child constantly begging to stay out later and later each night? Is he or she beginning to show an interest in members of the opposite sex? Perhaps your son or daughter has decided that they would like to play sports? If your child is exhibiting any of these symptoms, there is a chance he or she is beginning to experience a rising self-esteem. What should you do about this, you ask? Read on.

If there is any chance your child may be piecing together a normal social life, the best thing to do is begin home-schooling right away. The longer you wait, the more chance there is that your child will grow up normal without an unhealthy attachment to his or her mother. Not to mention, keeping your child seperated from their peers for the entire school day has proven to be an effective method of lowering self-esteem in more than 98% of clinical studies.

Now look at this first picture, this shows a group of children in a public school interacting with each other. Make special note of the smiles on the faces of this group of children. This is exactly what you want to avoid. Smiling is a sign of happiness, and happiness can only lead to wanting to spend more time with each other. It is best to have your child avoid these types of situations, and to be safe, it is in good judgement to stay away from areas like parks and playgrounds, common breeding grounds for social interaction.

Now let us examine a second photograph. This is of a child who was pulled out of school at a fairly early age. This is proof that if caught early, rising self-esteem can be dealt with and the chances of lifelong trauma for the child are still very good. Notice the empty look in the child's eyes. This is the look that you ideally would like to see all children with. Remember, if there is any social contact at all, there is a chance your child may be exposed to drugs, sex, or even naughty words. We understand that the thought of your child having to function on their own for even part of the day may be scary, but know that it doesn't have to happen to you.

You may be concerned that you do not have the knowledge, the organization skills, or the ability to properly home-school your child. Do not fear, this is merely secondary to the fact that your child will be able to grow up without setting foot inside a normal classroom with other students. Think of some of the people who went to public school, and then ended up being involved in violent acts: John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dick Cheney, and the list goes on. Don't think it can't happen to your child, start home-schooling today!

Monday, February 27, 2006

President Bush Expresses Frustration Over Boggle Loss

In a statement released by the White House monday morning, George W. Bush said that he was "moderately upset" about his loss to his daughter Jenna in a game of Boggle Saturday night. The game began after an altercation between Bush and his daughter, who wanted to go out for the night, but the President refused to allow her. "I told her if she could beat me in Boggle, she could go out, but I never expected her to win", George W. said. A popular word game, Boggle pits two opponents against each other as they try to make words from scrambled letters. When asked about the game, the President said, "I simply misunderestimated her word finding ability, you wouldn't believe how many words longer than 4 letters that girl knows". The First Lady then added, "We're not quite sure where she gets it from."

During the game, Jenna Bush said the she never had any doubt she would win even though she was "mildly intoxicated" before the game began. At one point in the match, the Bush twin caught her father cheating, but she said it was too little too late. "It turns out he had a microphone in his ear, and Karl Rove was giving him words", Jenna reported.

While the President was upset at the loss he maintains that he is still optimistic, and says he is "making great progress". In conclusion, as Jenna was leaving the White House, he remarked, "I wouldn't be surprised if she finds a pile of naked war prisoners in her room when she comes home".