I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Friday, March 31, 2006

New ADD Medication

I'm not sure of the exact statistics, but I think that of the people in the United States, about 95% have been diagnosed with ADD. Now most doctors simply prescribe drugs as a way of controlling and tranquilizing anyone who happens to show signs of energy or creativity. This is probably a good idea, because energy and creativity are two of the most dangerous problems facing our society today, right up there with people urinating on electric fences.

Despite the effectiveness of these drugs in making sure children show no signs of life, i believe that there may be a better way. That is why I would like to introduce my newest invention: the ADD yard stick. It is made of spruce, a wood known for its high strength-to-weight ratio, and can really pack a wallop. The stick comes in packages of 6 or 12, since it usually doesn't last past one use, although for children with milder ADD, a swift rap on the knuckles is usually enough of a reminder to quiet them down.

Now I know you're thinking "That's a great idea, but what if my child or student has ADHD?" In the case of a child with this disorder, often the yard stick will not be enough to quiet them down. For these circumstances I have also developed the ADHD lead pipe. You'll feel like Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory as you bludgeon children with this wonderful educational tool. It's never too early to put a stop to ADD or ADHD behavior, and at only 19.99+S/H, you can't afford not to buy this terrific set. It makes a great gift, and remember, creative kids are the biggest threat we have to a docile and lazy society.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My Solution To The Illegal Immigrant Problem

I would like to take a break from my normally foolish posts to write about something that has been in the news a lot lately: the immigration debate. The big question is whether or not we should let people who are already here illegally earn legal status. Currently there are about 11 million illegal immigrants in our country, many of whom are simply looking for the peace of mind that only picking fruit and earning low wages can provide. So I say, let them gain their legal status, but perhaps we should find something for them to do in the mean time. This idea is the crux of my post. I vote for a simple solution, one that will allow the immigrants to earn their legality, and I do mean earn it. I say that for 6 years, illegal immigrants should have to spend 8 hours per day working on human hamster wheels.

That's right, I said human hamster wheels. Now, this may sound a bit far-fetched, but imagine the possibilities. We could hook the wheels up to small generators and provide power for so many people. We would cut energy costs by a tremendous amount, in a time where energy is certainly at a premium. This program would also serve as a deterant to other immigrants who might be thinking about coming to the US. Note the picture on the right. This is a man that in a couple of weeks will be scrambling to get back across the border, or at the very least back to his job as a Wal-Mart janitor.

Monday, March 27, 2006

New HIV Drug Shows Promise

Gilead Sciences Inc. has recently begun testing a drug that could give new hope to people who frequently engage in promiscuous and unprotected sex. The two new pills, Viread and Truvada, will cost $417 and $650 per month, respectively. Like any good drug, the pills will be far to expensive for the average person to buy, let alone the ones who often are most at risk. Even so, many people are excited about the drug, feeling that it could bring back the spirit, and most importantly the wanton sex, of the 60's and 70's.

In a time where people don't always have safe sex, it is important to come up with drugs that will allow them to experiment as they please, without all that pesky responsibility. Gone are the 90's, when Condoman showed us all the importance of wearing our own skin-tight uniform whenever we decided to have sex. This poster effectively debunked the myth that AIDS was only a "white-man's disease", while depicting a superhero in a condom-like suit. Although many hate to see these more traditional values be pushed aside, others feel that these drugs could be just the thing they are looking for. A hotel manager said of the drugs in an interview "As much as I want to make the right choices all of the time, that's not the reality of it." The fact is, people simply don't have the time or the ability to make decisions for themselves anymore, and with no role models like Condoman for young people to look up to, the problem would only get worse were it not for the drug industry.

Despite all the skepticism, the National Association for the Betterment of Prostitutes (NABP) has given their full endorsement to the new drugs. A spokeswhore for the group said that the drug has the potential to increase the life expectancy of prostitutes everywhere. If the drug companies play their cards right, these new drugs could replace crack cocaine for the average harlot. The first three shipments of the drugs are scheduled to go to Las Vegas, Africa, and San Francisco.

Friday, March 17, 2006

United States Setting Extraterrestrial Life Standards Too High?

Many people claim to have seen all sorts of alien crafts or alien beings, and some even say that they have been taken aboard the ships and examined, but to this day, the US has not encountered any of these beings in their own habitat. What is the reason for this you ask? Perhaps we are setting our standards too high. Whenever aliens come to earth they always seem to land in places like Alabama, New Mexico or Oklahoma. They also always tend to meet someone who possesses one or more of the following characteristics: straw hat, less than a full set of teeth, a significant underbite, and a 12 gauge shotgun in 3 or more rooms of their house.

After a brief introduction, the aliens generally take their test subject up to the space craft for examination and complimentary anal probe. The subject is almost always nude during this process, which really speaks volumes about aliens, because as humans, these are some of the last people that the general public would like to see naked. After this process is completed, the aliens plant a microchip in the subject, make an incomprehensible pattern in his crops, and off they go, never to be seen again. Aliens are obviously not trying to hard to conceal themselves from us, which makes me wonder why we have yet to be able to find them.

You might think that with all the space probes and such that we send out, we would have encountered something by now, but that is not the case. Aliens are very good hiders, or they are constantly out exploring other planets, and when you look at who they tend to find here, it's really not such a surprise that they don't seem to want to be found by us.

I for one, would like to recommend more space searches for extra terrestrial life. I know that there are some of you who will say that aliens don't exist, but I for one will have to disagree. They are out there, but perhaps we are setting too high of standards for ourselves. We are spending all our time searching for intelligent life, and the aliens are perfectly content with these people:

Monday, March 13, 2006

30.5% Of Americans Agree That Obesity Standards Are Too Strict

With the obesity rate in the US rising sharply, many people are looking for ways to "cut the fat", and slim down in time to avoid massive cardiac arrest causes by almost complete artery blockage. Although we would like to think that America can regain control of its weight and perhaps begin to live a healthy life, experts say that it is unlikely to happen, citing years and years of rising obesity rates and fat jokes. For that reason, I feel that it is time we lower the standards for fatness in our society.

Currently, around 30 and 1/2 percent of people in the United States are considered obese, and another 34 percent are considered overweight. Raising the standards would make people feel better about themselves, and also relieve the pressure of having to worry about things like proper nutrition and exercise. On the right is a group of people who under today's standards would be considered obese and probably quite unhealthy. The looks on the faces of these people can only be described as despair. They represent a large portion of Americans who are picked on daily and treated as second class citizens. There is nothing more embarrassing than having to walk down the street in pastel-colored one-piece leotards because the big and tall clothing store didn't have anything in your size.

The current standards state that anyone with a body mass index (BMI) of 25 or higher is overweight, and anyone with a BMI of over 30 is obese (go here to calculate your BMI). BMI takes into account height and weight, which means people who are very short may not get accurate readings. For instance, the person seen in the photo in the green leotard has a BMI of just about 100. Under my new standards, the 2 men on the left would have their condition upgraded from "obese" to "slightly overweight", a level that many large people find much easier to come to terms with.

The fact is, many obese people simply give up on diet an exercise, instead resorting to claims that they are "big-boned" or that they have "bad genes." My new levels would increase self confidence and most importantly, show those skinny, arrogant scientists that they will no longer be allowed to treat large people as though they have a problem. The United States needs to do something to solve the obesity epidemic, and diet and exercise is overrated.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Married? Looking For Love? You've Come To The Right Place

I was recently checking my e-mail and thinking, "You know, I wish there was some married woman I could have sex with", when I came across this message: $preAd EagLE - MaRrieD AnD H()RnY. I couldn't believe it! I thought it was probably too good to be true, but clicked on the link anyway. What I found was the Ashley Madison Foundation. Now the word "foundation" may make you think that it was started in the memory of some very promiscuos cancer patient, but don't let that fool you, this definately isn't your father's online affair service.

The new age Ashley Madison Foundation offers a service "For women seeking romantic affairs-and the men who want to fulfill them". The site also has the clever little catchphrase "When monogamy becomes monotony" and boasts over 825,000 members (pun intended). If you still aren't convinced that this is the kind of service you need, simply check the bottom right corner where you will find the popular "as seen on TV" logo. That's right, the Ashley Madison Foundation is in the same company as the Scunci Steamer and Urine Gone!

So if you have ever been interested in having an affair, there is no time like the present, and the Ashley Madison Foundation is there to help you all the way. Now get out there and slut it up, you're too good looking to be faithful!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Easiest Way To Ruin A Child's Social Life

Do you often think to yourself, "I'm not sure I'm doing everything I can do to destroy any and all of my child's social relations". If you do, you are certainly not alone. Is your child constantly begging to stay out later and later each night? Is he or she beginning to show an interest in members of the opposite sex? Perhaps your son or daughter has decided that they would like to play sports? If your child is exhibiting any of these symptoms, there is a chance he or she is beginning to experience a rising self-esteem. What should you do about this, you ask? Read on.

If there is any chance your child may be piecing together a normal social life, the best thing to do is begin home-schooling right away. The longer you wait, the more chance there is that your child will grow up normal without an unhealthy attachment to his or her mother. Not to mention, keeping your child seperated from their peers for the entire school day has proven to be an effective method of lowering self-esteem in more than 98% of clinical studies.

Now look at this first picture, this shows a group of children in a public school interacting with each other. Make special note of the smiles on the faces of this group of children. This is exactly what you want to avoid. Smiling is a sign of happiness, and happiness can only lead to wanting to spend more time with each other. It is best to have your child avoid these types of situations, and to be safe, it is in good judgement to stay away from areas like parks and playgrounds, common breeding grounds for social interaction.

Now let us examine a second photograph. This is of a child who was pulled out of school at a fairly early age. This is proof that if caught early, rising self-esteem can be dealt with and the chances of lifelong trauma for the child are still very good. Notice the empty look in the child's eyes. This is the look that you ideally would like to see all children with. Remember, if there is any social contact at all, there is a chance your child may be exposed to drugs, sex, or even naughty words. We understand that the thought of your child having to function on their own for even part of the day may be scary, but know that it doesn't have to happen to you.

You may be concerned that you do not have the knowledge, the organization skills, or the ability to properly home-school your child. Do not fear, this is merely secondary to the fact that your child will be able to grow up without setting foot inside a normal classroom with other students. Think of some of the people who went to public school, and then ended up being involved in violent acts: John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Dick Cheney, and the list goes on. Don't think it can't happen to your child, start home-schooling today!