I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

New Barbershop Proposes Lingerie For Work Wear

Peter Carlino has proposed an idea for a new hair salon in New Hampshire. In his shop, the female hairstylists will wear lingerie, and the customers will be allowed to choose what their favorite stylist wears. The place would be called "Paradise Cuts", and Carlino believes it is the next step in hair.

From what I know of New Hampshire woman (I am about to make a generalization about a large group of people), this salon should probably be avoided like syphilis, which, if this idea leads anywhere near where it appears to be going, may not be far off. Judging from these pictures, if I had a choice of what my hairstylist wore, I would select a nice set of overalls, or anything else made of heavy denim and having a large coverage area.

But an underwear salon would certainly appeal to some people, because as many of us know, there is nothing quite as erotic as a half-naked woman weilding a pair of scissors and a comb. For the others, this image might bring back memories of some of your first hair-cuts, given by your mom.

But in the end, I fear that sharp objects, hot rollers, a chair with gearing mechanisms, and nudity just don't mix. Throw in an inevitable sexual harrasment lawsuit, and you have yourself a business fit for Las Vegas. I'm not sure that New Hampshire is ready for type of enterprise, and I have a feeling it will only take a few lawsuits for stylist injury, and perhaps a wrongful death suit or two, to make Peter Carlino reconsider this business idea.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The Most Discriminated Against Group In The World (Besides Every Other Group In The World)

Throughout the years, there is one group that has been constantly downtrodden and treated as second class citizens. Slurs are hurled at them from every angle, "south paw" in the United States, "wacky" in Britain, no matter where they went there was no escape. Left-handed people have been discriminated against for decades, from the times when they used to have their hands tied behind their backs, to when they were forced to use a pair of right-handed scissors.

The left-handed civil rights movement has been pushed aside time after time through the centuries, giving way to other, less important causes, such as slavery, feminism, gay and lesbian equality, and animal rights. The Handedness Research Institute (HRI) has been working to try to bring lefties into the public eye, and with such prominent figures as Pat Robertson, Fidel Castro, and Albert DeSalvo (known mostly as the Boston Strangler, who was obviously protesting over left-handed discrimination) it is unclear as to why they have yet to be successful.

One of the biggest complaints that the HRI has is the lack of left-handed desks in public classrooms. On their website they state that having a room of right-handed desks sends the message "we only care about the others, you don't count." Either that or it sends the message, "my school got all their desks from the same place." Although left-handed people have suffered at the hands of righty for most of their lives, many have persevered, and went on to live very successful lives (except, of course, for Jack-the-Ripper, who couldn't handle the pressure of his left-handedness, and was forced to murder).

Fortunately for everyone, the left-handed equality movement has so far been a peaceful one. This is most likely due to the lack of left-handed weaponry available for them to use. But even with this being true, the group has by no means ruled out revolution. A spokesman said that the group will not stop until America makes some changes. He then added "you have no idea what a victory it would be to hear just one person say 'no one in their left mind'. And this is just one example of the discrimination we put up with every day.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Spanked Employee Receives 500K In Lawsuit

In a lawsuit involving the "camraderie-building" exercises of an alarm company, Janet Orlando, 53, was awarded $500,000 dollars for sexual harassment and sexual battery. Alarm One Inc., an extension of the local Sigma Phi Theta fraternity, was accused of spanking Orlando when her team lost one of the games, presumably beer pong.

I find this ruling to be way out of line. I mean, these people were just having a little fun. Orlando wouldn't have lasted a day if she had worked at my first job with the Sausage Factory. If she thought spanking was bad...er...never mind. The truth is, none of this would have happened if Janet Orlando had just asked the company to put her on the do not spank list, and judging from this AP photo, the company couldn't have been far away from putting her there themselves.

But the real outrage here is not the acts that Orlando was subjected to, but the ungratefulness with which she accepted them. For absolutely nothing, Janet got the kind of action that usually costs anywhere from 50-75 dollars extra, depending on your location. Just from looking at Orlando, I'm going to go ahead and say that she hasn't seen this much sexual attention since her senior prom. I think that this judgement should be overturned by a higher court, and I should know, because I'm the mayor of this here town.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Condoms Lead To Sex, Keep Them Out Of Schools

When I hear about a plan to put condoms in schools, I begin to wonder just what has happened to this country. Now for those of you who say that providing teenagers with condoms doesn't encourage sexual promiscuity, just listen to my bullet proof logic. Giving sexually depraved teens condoms is like giving someone in a fat camp a piece of steak. Now imagine wrapping that steak in a plastic bag...there is no way they can be expected to resist it.

The truth is, if we want to protect our youth, we must keep them from discovering just what sex with a condom is like. If they truly knew how great it was, there would be no stopping them. Babies would not be born to high schoolers at rates that are unprecedented in today's society. HIV protection would be at an all-time high, because kids and condoms would become inseperable. Once condoms are widely available, I fear that they will be upon us. Wild, protected sex in the streets, in cars, in bedrooms, at a moments notice.

But to you parents, I say, do not be afraid. There is still something you can do. You must talk to your teenagers about the dangers of safe sex, and let them know, that under no circumstances are they ever to have sex, at least not until you die. If there is one thing we know, it is that condom availability=more sex (for those of you checking facts and calling me a liar, I suppose I am guilty as charged). But don't worry, I'm sure your adolescent son or daughter has never even thought about sex, let alone considered engaging in it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Finally, The Cure For Racism

Most people have seen or experience racism at some time in their lives (except Italians of course, since they are superior to everyone else), but no one has proposed a clear cut solution, until now. I believe, that if we are ever to be truly equal, we must all get only one thing: a bad hair cut. If the plan works correctly, by the time someone is finished gawking at your head, chances are they will never even notice the color of your skin (unless you're Native American...people can spot a Native American from miles away).

It should be noted that I have yet to do any real research on the possible effects of this plan (I came up with it on friday night, but all the white people were bowling, the black people were dunking basketballs, the hispanic people were playing baseball, and the asians were doing math problems).

At least one Congresswoman, Cynthia McKinney, has already given my idea her full endorsement. With hair like this, not even a Klan member would notice the color of her skin. Although many people felt McKinney's hair-doo looked something like Ronald McDonald's after a long night's sleep, I think it is safe to say she is just ahead of her time.

Based on what I have written, I see no reason for states not to begin to institute mandatory hair-cuts for all citizens. There would have to be many choices to go along with the Cynthia McKinney, such as Donald Trump, Albert Einstein, and High School Vice Principal. After all, why take the time to get to know each other individually when we can simply cover our differences with laws and regulations.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Homophobia, And Other Values America Was Founded On

You may get the feeling that you aren't living in the same America that the first settlers arrived in, and you would be right. Today's America is undoubtedly more tolerant, less violent, and more accepting, and according to Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, nothing could be worse. Over on their website, at www.godhatesfags.com, the group urges people to renew their prejudices, and stop incurring God's wrath.

Now with a message like this, you may think that the church has a large following, but you would be wrong. Of its less than 100 members, all but one family or so are related by blood to Phelps. For you out there who say that this must mean there has been some sort of incestuous relationships, you would be right on target. Their website states that they are against violence and killing of any kind, including abortion, and they insist that all countries make homosexuality a capital crime and impose the death penalty. Now this may seem to be inherently contradictory, but one can't rely on facts when they have gays to discriminate against.

Phelps cites the sick perversions of every homosexual relationship, placing an entire group of people into one category. After all, if we can't trust vicious, ignorant stereotypes, how will we know anything about different kinds of people. But Fred Phelps is confident in his faith, and although he is still losing his 74 year old game of "smear the queer", he remains confident. He inspires his congregation every week with the words: "America is doomed."

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Bush Approval Ratings Hit New Low

In the midst of a War on Terror, a stagnant economy, and a still unsuccessful game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden, the President's job approval rating dropped to just 33% this past week. Despite the numbers, Bush continues to insist he is doing a great job, and said yesterday he was even considering giving himself a promotion. "You know, sometimes I wonder why I am only the leader of the free world", Bush said, "when there is so much of the world under tyrannical and military rule that I could control."

Although the President dismissed the new ratings, Republicans are becoming concerned. Many feel that if things continue as they are going, the party may have trouble gathering support for another candidate. Some high ranking party members have started to compile a list of people they feel have what it takes to win the election, and so far, they only have one option: Jesus of Nazareth. "It's going to take a miracle", said Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlmen, "and who better to provide it." Mehlman then added, "either he or the Supreme Court."

But with all the speculation, the President can't be too happy with the ratings collected over the past weeks. The current support level places him somewhere between Timothy McVeigh, and the guy who did the voice for the giant pitcher of Kool-Aid.

With support waning for his administration, and many people calling for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, one can only expect that George Bush is beginning to look to the legacy that he will leave behind when he goes out of office. He will most likely be looked upon as the President who sent the nation into an ill-advised war and increased the national debt and unemployment, but still didn't sleep with a hideous intern. With all the public opinion that is working agains the President, I think there is probably only one way to save his legacy, which is why I have chosen the perfect nominee for the Republican Party: Tom Cruise.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New Posts Coming Soon

I apologize to anyone who might make it a point to read my blog regularly for the infrequent posts as of late. My schedule has been quite hectic lately, and I have had very little time for writing, but I hope to have some time within the next few days. For the time being, perhaps you want to check this out:

Jerry Seinfeld on The Daily Show

This clip features two of my favorite comedians in the same place, I'm not sure it gets any better than that. This is a pretty funny exchange about superheroes, American Express commercials, and life after Seinfeld. This clip downloaded very slowly for me on YouTube, and I have a fast connection, but it might have just been peak hours or a new video.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Fox News Reports On Major Scientific Breakthrough

Fox News once again proves it is always first on the scene by reporting on one of the biggest breakthroughs in the history of science. Many academics have toiled long and hard, but only recently have they come up with the formula for...the perfect booty. That's right, after years of research, and thousands of tax payer daughters, Dr. David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University has come up with the equation. He stated that he originally began searching for the formula for the perfect ass in hopes of gaining insight into why he could never seem to get any, but since then it has become purely a scientific endeavor, and he feels that this is information that is too important to keep to himself.

The field of "tushology" has been neglected for a lot of years, as evidenced by a google search in which the term turns up 3 results from 2 websites. But the good doctor has a point, after all, if we don't know what the perfect derriere consists of, then what chance do we have of being self concious about it our entire lives.

The formula that Dr. Holmes devised contains 6 variables, 5 of which are based on a scale of 1-20. These include bounciness, firmness, skin texture, circularity, and overall shape. Let's compare these two butts for instance. The first is awarded a score of about 5o or so, with the perfect score being somewhere in the neighborhood of 80. The second gets a score of -12, with extra 12 points off because the booty belongs to Roseanne.

Well there you have it, the run down on the latest scientific breakthrough. Unfortunately for America, the formula was discovered in Britain, and now adds to the pile of evidence supporting the theory that the US is falling behind in the scientific community. Several big name figures, including the science advisor to President Bush, have stated that this can only be seen as a great defeat for the American people, but a great victory for all those who love a good posterior.

Academics Develop Formula For Perfect Butt
I'm not making this up.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Porn Stars Shave To Support "No More Bush" Campaign

Porn stars are perhaps the last people you might think would be making a political statement, but they have, choosing to shave their nether regions as a sign of their wanting George W. Bush out of office. If anyone was wondering what it would take for the stars of arguably the most morally bankrupt industry to make a statement judging someone's morals, you now know. As Angel Cassidy, the spokes-whore for the group put it, "Sometimes your voice doesn't get enough attention, but nudity seems to do the trick." Cassidy is shown here proudly displying her contribution to the political system.

The stars claim to speak for nearly the entire adult industry, saying that most everyone wants Bush out due to his efforts to crack down on pornography. Said Cassidy "There are better things in the world he should be worried about, like trying to get some of those Islamic sex slaves over here, that interracial girl-on-girl stuff is huge right now."

The Bush administration has chosen not to answer questions about the demonstration, but the President has showed some responsiveness to the protests, and has called a private meeting this friday in the Oval Office with all 8 porn stars involved.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Evolution Of The Modern President

A recent discovery in rural Pennsylvania has led a team of archaeologists to draft the above sketch of the evolution of the modern president. The team uncovered the remains of what they call a "missing link" between the era of common sense, and the era of outright stupidity. The remains date back to the early 1900's, directly before the Presidency of Woodrow Wilson. Scientists describe this find as a huge piece of the puzzle, and they feel it gives them a much better idea of where it all "fell apart." A spokesman commented that "Before this discovery, there was a serious lack of transitional evidence. To many people, it seemed like we had gone directly from winning the Spanish-American War and establishing gold as the standard for paper money, to a President who can't even pronounce the word "nuclear." I feel this just reaffirms what has been taught in civics classes for the last 50 years.

The find comes during the peak of intense debates that pit the evolutionary political scientists against the so-called "intelligent president" theorists. Proponents of the intelligent president hypothesis state that this model can't account for all of the cases that we see today, and many point to an "irreducible simplicity" in the minds of many of today's presidents. They urge schools to teach the controversy, pointing to the Clinton sex-scandal, the Watergate scandal, and Lyndon Johnson. Scientists continue to assert that there is no controversy, saying there is absolutely no evidence to support the intelligent president theory.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Intelligence Failure Lands Doyle In Jail

Brian Doyle, deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested Tuesday on charges of using a computer to seduce a minor and transmission of harmful material to a minor. He was caught when he struck up a sexually explicit conversation with a detective that he believed at the time to be a 14 year old girl. Doyle was apprehended in his home in Maryland, and confessed in his interviews with the police. He said that according to the intelligence reports that he had at the time, he believed that he was communicating with an actual 14 years old girl.

Doyle had sent the "girl" pictures of himself, and told her that he would send nude pictures once he received the same from her. The detective who was comunicating with Doyle described this as just one more sign that the youth of our country is becoming corrupted. "If seeing pictures of this man naked was supposed to be an incentive, then our children may have developed worse taste than we ever imagined", the detective said. "Just reading his responses tested my ability to suppress intense feelings of nausea and disgust."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

2007 NCAA Final Four Suggestions

After 4 of the best rounds the NCAA Division I basketball tournament has ever seen, the final four was highly anticipated. Unfortunately for fans, who paid big money to get tickets a year in advance, the last 3 games were about as competitive as the high jump in the special olympics. Unless you were from Florida, you were most certainly disappointed, as you were forced to watch 3 games that were seperated by a total of 45 points (the four games in the round of 8 were seperated by a total of 30 points). I think that the NCAA has an obligation to its fans to provide some sort of extra entertainment for the people that have waited an entire year to watch the games, and that is why I have formulated a few sugesstions.

1.) Naked Fire Juggling- If there is one way that I know of to make a great spectator sport, it is to combine nudity with fire. Perhaps during half-time, the NCAA could hire a man to juggle naked for awhile, and if all goes well, the fans will get to see someone burst into flames. Of course, the man would be sprayed with some highly flammable substance beforehand, just to make things more interesting. Take this man, for instance. Had he been doing this naked, there may have actually been some people there watching.

2.) Cheerleader Mud Wrestling- If juggling really hot sticks is a little too tame for you, then this should be right down your alley. I suggest that directly following the fire juggling, the cheerleaders from both schools should compete in a no holds barred mud wrestling competition at center court. The contest could consist of either one-on-one match-ups, or a full team free-for-all. In the interest of time, the male cheerleaders would not be allowed to compete.

Well, I'd say I've made some fantastic, thought-provoking suggestions for the NCAA Tournament Committee to consider next year. If they know what's good for them, they will certainly put my ideas into practice.