I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Preparing For The End

Thanks to a report by Glenn Beck last week, I am now aware of the imminent return of Jesus. I'm not sure of the exact sequence of events, but if you have any questions, please refer to the books his guests have written: The Left Behind series. They will explain everything perfectly, and I find there is no better way to interpret a book of Holy Scripture than with a 26$ book of fiction. Anyway, without further ado, I must make my final declarations.

To Whom It May Concern,

In the case of a rapture event, or any other occurrence resulting in my disappearance and believed to be attributable to the supernatural, I hereby declare that these words reflect my final wishes.

I wish that my stereo be given to John. He was always sort of a jerk to me, so I figure he will probably be left behind anyway.

To my neighbor, who always kept me awake with his late night parties and inconsiderate choice of outdoor lighting, I leave my car, which should be no more than a smoldering pile of brimstone by the time he gets it.

All my other possessions I give to Ari. He does a lot of charity work with children, and will need the money, plus everyone knows the Jews are a doomed people.

These are my final requests, and I hope that they will be honored, even by you godless unrapturables.

Enjoy the Anti-Christ, ye workers of iniquity,
The Honorable Flamingo

P.S. Although the end is near and I think everyone must prepare, I hope you will still all buy the book I am planning to write: Why I'm in Heaven and You're Not.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Asking The Tough Questions

Anyone who knows me understands that I am happy to make Fox News my sole source for political commentary, everyday happenings, and morning worship. They report to me the whole story, meaning there is really no other reason to watch any other channel. For instance, take these two interviews that they put together. They force candidates to answer the difficult questions, and never pull any punches.

Barack Obama

FoxNews: Mr. Obama, thank you for sitting down with us.
Barack Obama: It is my pleasure.
FN: Let's start with immigration. You support allowing immigrants who are in the country illegally an opportunity to earn citizenship. Are there any other laws of America that you don't respect?
BO: I respect all the laws of this country. It is impossible to simply round up the 12 mil...
FN: Alright, we have to move on. You have been against the Iraq War from the start, why is that?
BO: As I have said in the past, I feel that the decision to go to war in Iraq was made in a foolish and rash manner. I have been consistent in my criticism of the Administration's handling of the war, and feel that despite the best efforts of our troops, there can be no military solution to a political conflict.
FN: But isn't it a little unpatriotic to criticize the President in a time of war?
BO: There is nothing unpatriotic about asking for an end to a war that has been waged so absurdly. This Administration has given us no concrete plan and no definition of victory. The American people have expressed their disapproval of this war, and it is about time some of their representatives speak up on their behalf.
FN: Finally, I have to ask about your name, what is that Iranian?
BO: I'm from Hawaii.
FN: Well, it's an interesting debate. That's all the time we have, thanks for agreeing to this interview.
BO: My pleasure...

Mitt Romney

FoxNews: Mayor Romney, thanks for taking the time away from being patriotic to talk to us.
Mitt Romney: You're welcome.
FN: Let's talk about immigration. How do you propose to reform the current system.
MR: I think we need to encourage legal immigration and discourage illegal immigration.
FN: Exactly...I mean, OK. Now about terrorism, what is your position.
MR: Well I feel that we must defeat the radical jihadists wherever they may be, and if we don't they will attack us in our own country. I feel that the position of the Democratic Party will only lead to making America unsafe.
FN: A quick follow-up. Why do you think Democrats are opposed to a safe country?
MR: Probably cowardice, but I can't say for sure.
FN: Before we go Mr. Romney, one final question: who should I make the check out to?