Ways To End Your Marriage

With the divorce rate as it is, you might think that people have a pretty good handle on ways to get out of marriages. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. So for the benefit of the people who may otherwise kill, mutilate, and/or drop kick their spouses in the face, I have come up with my top 5 easy, non-violent ways to make your way back to single-town, population: Rosie O'Donnel.

3.) Steal half your spouses stuff- Confrontations can often get messy, and since both of you hate each other, and probably yourselves, the best way to end this is to simply take half of everything and leave. This one works great for couples who can barely stand to look at each other anymore. Oh, and nothing quite send a message like cutting that 5th place mat her late grandmother embroidered right in half.

2.) Pretend to be gay- This one is hard, because you may have to do a little acting. Start by wearing that bathrobe untied in the front, and waiting outside the door for the mailman. Drop little subtle hints, and make sure that your clothing always matches. And stop being a slob, because then no one will buy your act. This technique only works for men, because being a lesbian only makes men more attracted to you.

1.) Buy your partner a Chia Pet- This method is perhaps one of the most effective in obtaining that coveted divorce. If you were under the impression that it is the thought that counts when considering gifts for your spouse, try bringing home one of these beauties. In fact, studies have shown that divorce rates are as high as 90% in households containing at least one Chia pet and/or other Chia related products. The best part about this plan is that if you are Catholic, just bring in the offending pet/head and the Priest won't think twice about signing those annulment papers.

With these suggestions, I suspect that spousal murder rates will decline sharply, at least among both the people who will read this. So think before you go crazy with murder, because quite frankly, you probably aren't smart enough to do it without getting caught anyway. And at about $20 a piece for assorted Chia items, you can't afford not to end your marriage. Di-Di-Di-Divorce!