I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Monday, February 27, 2006

President Bush Expresses Frustration Over Boggle Loss

In a statement released by the White House monday morning, George W. Bush said that he was "moderately upset" about his loss to his daughter Jenna in a game of Boggle Saturday night. The game began after an altercation between Bush and his daughter, who wanted to go out for the night, but the President refused to allow her. "I told her if she could beat me in Boggle, she could go out, but I never expected her to win", George W. said. A popular word game, Boggle pits two opponents against each other as they try to make words from scrambled letters. When asked about the game, the President said, "I simply misunderestimated her word finding ability, you wouldn't believe how many words longer than 4 letters that girl knows". The First Lady then added, "We're not quite sure where she gets it from."

During the game, Jenna Bush said the she never had any doubt she would win even though she was "mildly intoxicated" before the game began. At one point in the match, the Bush twin caught her father cheating, but she said it was too little too late. "It turns out he had a microphone in his ear, and Karl Rove was giving him words", Jenna reported.

While the President was upset at the loss he maintains that he is still optimistic, and says he is "making great progress". In conclusion, as Jenna was leaving the White House, he remarked, "I wouldn't be surprised if she finds a pile of naked war prisoners in her room when she comes home".

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Affordable Vacation Spots For Your Next Family Trip

Have you been dying to take a vacation with the family, but just didn't feel like you could afford to travel? Well do I have news for you. I have put together a list of a few of the most affordable places in the world to visit, places that even families on the tightest of budgets can afford to go to.

1.) Mexico- With a currency exchange rate of about 10.5 pesos/dollar, nothing in Mexico should cost you more than a few dollars. Their currency is basically worthless, so if you can manage to sneak a few small farm animals over the border, those should be enough to pay for the entire trip.

2.) Sudan- Now it may be a little farther away than you think you can afford but once you see the exchange rate, you'll realize why you came. Trade in your dollar and get 127 Sudanese Dinars! That should be enough to buy some nice souvenirs for the family back home, or you could just steal an authentic dung brick from the house of one of the natives.

3.) Haiti- The poorest country in the western hemisphere, Haiti is a perfect choice for that low budget vacation. Don't count on being the most liked person there, however, as the US put a stop to most of the aid it was giving Haiti after some suspect elections in 2000. Even so, it is definately a must visit, and if you are lucky you might get to see a real live rebellion.

Well, there you have it, 3 of the most affordable vacation destinations just in time for you to start planning that summer trip. Be sure to send me a postcard.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Lowering The Cost Of Execution, One Beheading At A Time

Have you ever been sitting in your living room watching the news when a reporter comes on to tell you about the imminent execution of some mass murderer. Without a doubt, someone in the room will say, "They shouldn't be allowed to put people to death, you shouldn't be allowed to kill another human being." If you are like me then you must have thought, "There has to be a better way." Well now there is. I think that it is about time to bring back the guillotine, that friendly instrument of death, popularized by Robespierre during the French Revolution.

One of the biggest problems with lethal injection is the cost. For a site to get started with lethal injections, they would have to shell out over $100,000 dollars for the equipment! After that the drugs only cost about $86 dollars per execution, which may seem like a bargain, but wait until you see the cost efficiency that is the guillotine.

How much would it cost to behead someone with a guillotine, you ask? Nothing! Aside from some alcohol and oil to keep the machine well maintained, executions would be totally free! And have you ever had to sit through a lethal injection? Boooorrring! People would be lining up to watch heads roll at our public decapitations. In fact, we could make a profit on our executions just by selling tickets to see the punishment of societies worst menaces. Imagine the thrill of taking your children to the beheading of Saddam Hussein. As an added bonus, anyone caught scalping tickets before the execution would be beaten in front of the audience as an opening act.

Not only are guillotines practical and painless (or so I'm told) they are also very artistic. There are numerous kits you can buy to build your own model guillotine, I don't see anyone jumping to put together their own lethal injection room, complete with criminal and intravenous system. I think this is by far the best way to lower cost of executions. In fact, Texas has already signed on to my plan, and is hoping to hold its first public beheading next month. This could be the next big thing in capital punishment. I mean, it's not like strapping someone to a table and putting them to death is cruel and unusual, right?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Study Shows Ugly People More Likely To Commit Crimes

An article in the Washington Post last Saturday says that people who are ugly commit more crimes than average looking people, and furthermore, good looking people commit fewer crimes than people who are merely average looking. The researchers in this study, Dr. Erdal Tekin and Dr. Naci Mokan, also denounced the popular quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". The test was done by ranking criminals and non-criminals on a sliding scale that went from "extremely attractive" to "Shane McGowan." For the purpose of objective analysis, I have decided to show some pictures of convicted criminals as well as non-criminals, in order to see how my results stack up to those of respected researchers.

On the left is Richard Goldberg, who, if he had any friends, would be known as Dick. Dick is on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for committing several sex acts with girls under 10 years old, and taking pictures of the acts. On the right it Miss USA 2005 Chelsea Cooley, who has chosen not to force herself on young children, but if she did, those would be some of the luckiest children on earth.

To the left stands Augustine Breceda, who was convicted of several robberies and is a 6 time felon. He is currently serving a 216 year prison sentence, but on the bright side, he'll never have to worry about being sexually assaulted while he is in the pen. On the right is Sarah Michelle Gellar, arguably one of the most beautiful actresses in the world. She is not a felon, and also lacks ears the size of a small elephant's.

Well, there you have it, a completely unbiased, objective study in which I feel I sufficiently proved that ugliness is the most important factor in determining whether or not a person is going to end up in jail. From this study, I feel that we now have the information needed to take crime detection to a whole new level. Imagine the increase in safety of the American people when, instead of simply waiting for an ugly person to commit a crime, we throw them in jail before it happens. I like to call it, "preemptive incarceration", and I think it is without a doubt the next step in crime fighting. I have my eyes on you Mr. Cheney.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Some Ducks Have All The Luck

I was recently flipping through the pages of my Guiness Book of World Records, as I am wont to do, when a rather peculiar record caught my eye. The record is officially called the "Largest Avian Reproductive Organ", but it does just as well to say, "Biggest Bird Penis In The History Of Modern Civilization." The record belongs to the Argentinian Lake Duck, who is seen here gazing arrogantly at his gigantic member. That's right, that is his penis, and he is staring at it, but hey, who can blame him. The penis itself is almost 17 inches long when unwound, and retracts into his body when not "in use." I'm not sure who's job it was to uncoil the penis in order to get an accurate measurement, but I assume there was a lot of mocking that went on after the act had been completed.

The bird itself is only about 17 inches long, which means that he has a sex organ about as tall as he is. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but I think it's safe to say that if I had a penis that was almost 6 feet long, I'd probably stare at it for a while myself.

Now if you are like me, you are probably thinking "what about the female bird, where does she fit in all this?" Well, the answer is, we're not really sure. Scientists know very little about how these animals reproduce, presumably because they were too busy staring at the duck's penis to notice. So if you ever wondered what it would be like to have your manhood be the size of your small intestine, look to the Argentinian Lake Duck, for he is living a dream, a dream of virility, of masculinity, and of having a penis long enough to bungee jump with.

New Idea For A Valuable Resource

I was driving down the highway the other day when from out of nowhere, the car beside me, which I was in the process of passing, began to change lanes. I had to slam on my brakes in order to avoid being run off the road by this nut. The person then proceeded to go about 55 miles per hour in the middle lane on a 65 mile per hour highway. I switched to the next lane over and passed the car, glancing over as I went by, hoping for the chance to give the driver a good glare as I drove by. As I gazed into the window, I realized that all I could see was curly white hair and a set of glasses. This geriatric could barely see over the dashboard, so it was no surprise to me that she nearly sideswiped me while she was driving.

That incident got me to wondering if there was anything that we could do about the sudden increase in the elderly population. As people are living longer, people like these are becoming more and more of a problem. Luckily, I have come up with a solution: the barter system. We used to trade chickens and other items to get what we want, why not do the same with old people. There are plenty of countries that could use the increased life expectancy that our old people could provide. Greater life expectancy makes a country look better and more developed, so I have compiled a list of the top 5 countries that I think could really use this system. Note that these countries all happen to be in Africa, where life expectancy as a whole is at the lowest.

5.) Rwanda (Life Expectancy=39.34 years) - This country is a prime candidate for old people trade, and unless you count the the wars, the insurgency, and the intolerance to dissent then it is also a great place to live. The only reason this country is ranked this low is that it is already the most densely populated country in Africa.

4.) Zimbabwe (Life Expectancy=37.38 years) - Here is a country where your biggest worry is bacterial diarrhea...or the oppresive nature of Prime Minister Mugabe and his regime, I'm not sure which is worse. In either case, this country could certainly use the moral boost that can only come from raising your life expectancy with premium United States old people.

3.) Swaziland (Life Expectancy=40.44 years) - Swaziland's claim to fame? They boast the highest rate of HIV in the world, at 38.8%, but that won't deter our old people, as we can only hope that they will not be having sex any time soon.

2.) Republic of Angola (Life Expectancy=38.31 years) - This country is bound to quickly become a favorite of the traded elderly. With its tropical climate it is a lot like Florida...except for all the rebuilding in the aftermath of a 27 year civil war.

1.) Zambia (Life Expectancy=37.24 years) - Coming in at number 1, Zambia has the lowest life expectancy in the world, and are the ones that would benefit most from this wonderful program. The biggest fear here would have to be typhoid fever from inadequate water treatment, but what do our elderly people have to worry about, they are already well above the average age.

I have spent minutes thinking of this new program, and I feel it is the best way to deal with our drastically increasing elderly population. It's a win-win situation, our country saves millions of dollars on medicare, social security, and arm rests on public toilets, and developing countries get to boast about their skyrocketing life expectancies. I am awaiting a call from Washington.

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Golden Gate Bridge: Landmark or Death Trap?

The Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most recognizable pieces of architecture in San Francisco. Some call it breathtaking, some beautiful, but another group has been calling it a hazard. These are the people in favor of putting up a suicide barrier. What would cause a group of people to want to sully the appearance of this otherwise beautiful bridge you ask? As it turns out, the Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most popular suicide sites in the world, with over 1,200 people jumping to their deaths since the bridge opened in 1937. With so many people killing themselves on this bridge, why has the city been so determined not to put up barriers? It has been proposed 7 times, and still nothing has been done. Many people feel that it would cost too much money, and others think that if people couldn't commit suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge, they would simply go someplace else. Eve Meyer disagrees, and in an associated press story she said "When suicide becomes difficult, people do not switch to another method. They tend to get help." This seems like very sound logic, drawing on the fact that people who give up on life easily, will most likely give up on suicide pretty easily as well. Suicide barriers also offer people who are determined to kill themselves one last chance to find something they are not good at: climbing. Imagine being all ready to kill yourself, parking your car, and making the walk out onto the bridge only to find out that you have vastly insufficient upper body strength. Here's an idea: take the money you would have used to put up a suicide barrier and instead put it into your economy! San Francisco's unemployment rate is above the national average, and it is one of the most expensive cities in the nation to live in, not to mention the gargantuan cost of healthcare in the area. Oh, and I almost forgot, ENOUGH with the streetcars! No one cares about those things. You know what I like about buses? NO RAILS! And don't even get me started on cable cars. With so much going on in San Francisco, it's no wonder why so many people are taking any chance they can get to hurl themselves off the Golden Gate Bridge. If I lived in the Bay Area, I think I would jump off the bridge out of pure spite.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Spousal Spy Gear

Do you suspect your spouse, significant other, or object of your affection of not checking with you every time they make a decision? Are you tired of having that pesky trust discussion every time they catch you spying on them from behind the mailbox on the street corner, or listening on the upstairs phone while they have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex? Let's face it, there is no room for trust in today's relationships. If you are concerned that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn't telling you every minor detail about their life, chances are they are probably cheating on you. Luckily, now you'll never have to worry, because you can stalk your partner from the comfort of your own home with these spy tools. First we have the WorldTRAK GPS, shown here fitting in the palm of your hand, just like your spouse will be when you tell them that you know that they stopped at Bed Bath and Beyond on their way home from work. But if just knowing where your partner is isn't enough, now you can hear their conversations with this watch recorder. Disguise it as a generous gift and they will never see it coming. Pick up every detail of that meeting with upper management, or that meeting with the sexy cashier from the supermarket. Finally, do you suspect that your spouse is spying on you? Now you can be sure with this Micro Bug Detector, which detects audio and video bugs from up to 5 meters away! Imagine the peace of mind you will have knowing that someone isn't listening in on your $0.99 a minute call to your favorite phone sex hotline. With technological advances happening all the time, it is important that you stay one step ahead of the game, and with a list price of right around $280, you can't afford not to buy this detector. Trust now comes in electronic form, don't let this movement leave you behind, get your spousal spy equipment today!

Fashion Week

Well, it’s fashion week in New York City, and that means throngs of celebrities, lavish parties, and lots of reporters all hoping to catch a glimpse of the catwalk as designers parade out some of the most objectionable ensembles of the fall season. For instance, nothing says, “I have way too much money” quite as well as this little number on the right from Anna Sui. This one in particular happens to look like it was sewn together by someone with a fairly advanced case of Parkinson's disease. If that is a little too bourgeois for you, however, you can always try the outfit on the left designed by Daniel Vosovic. Vosovic is a new designer who was featured on a reality show called "Project Runway". He says that this outfit was inspired by the orchid, and I think it is safe to say, it takes pompous to a whole new level. Of course, arrogance in the fashion community is pretty much expected, as shown in a phone interview with Vosovic, in which he said "I say, if you can sleep comfortably in it, I don't want to see it on the street." This is a pretty pontifical statement, considering he is seen here standing next to a woman with the worst case of bed hair I have ever seen. How many times have you thought, "I would love to be a fashion designer" only to be plagued with doubts, "but I have no sense of style, I have no talent!" If this week can teach us anything, it is that you can be whatever you want to be, and the future has never looked so bright for blind fashion designers.