Baywatch Cast Reunites!

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff were among a group of other television stars that you haven't heard from since 2001, celebrating the release of DVD box sets of the first two seasons of 'Baywatch'. The show began in 1989, and was cancelled after the first season because the ratings were low, people hated it, and it was just plain painful to watch. David Hasselhoff, who plays the part of Mitch Buchannon, and I like even less than Pat Buchannan, revived the show in 1991, where it got huge international acclaim, proving conclusively that the United States is the smartest nation in the world, if only by default.

David Hasselhoff became famous by starring in the series, 'Knight Rider'. If you haven't heard of it, it's probably because it sucked as well. In that series, Hasselhoff played a cop who was nearly killed by a gunshot wound to the head, only to be saved by a metal plate that had been implanted in his cranium. Never in my life have I so loathed the word 'nearly'.

Pamela Anderson signed on to Baywatch in the second season, years before her vagina got too large to fit into a normal sized swimsuit. This show began her breasts' rise to stardom, a rise that concluded when she had them removed, citing the fact that they were now more famous than she was.

Although Baywatch was truly a sad decade for America, I have a plan that will allow the Baywatch actors to redeem themselves (although Hasselhoff may be too far gone at this point). I suggest running episodes of Baywatch at suspected terrorist interrogations. One hour of this, and most will be begging us to let them leak valuable information about their groups. The videos might also make for a quick end to hostage stand-offs, bringing an end to a domestic problem that has plagued us for all too long.

It is unsure how many copies of the DVDs will be sold, but one thing is certain, doctors will be seeing an increase in brain aneurisms this Christmas season.