An article in the Washington Post last Saturday says that people who are ugly commit more crimes than average looking people, and furthermore, good looking people commit fewer crimes than people who are merely average looking. The researchers in this study, Dr. Erdal Tekin and Dr. Naci Mokan, also denounced the popular quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". The test was done by ranking criminals and non-criminals on a sliding scale that went from "extremely attractive" to "Shane McGowan." For the purpose of objective analysis, I have decided to show some pictures of convicted criminals as well as non-criminals, in order to see how my results stack up to those of respected researchers.
On the left is Richard Goldberg, who, if he had any friends, would be known as Dick. Dick is on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for committing several sex acts with girls under 10 years old, and taking pictures of the acts. On the right it Miss USA 2005 Chelsea Cooley, who has chosen not to force herself on young children, but if she did, those would be some of the luckiest children on ea
rth.To the left stands Augustine Breceda, who was convicted of several robberies and is a 6 time felon. He is currently serving a 216 year prison sentence, but on the bright side, he'll never have to worry about being sexually assaulted while he is in the pen. On the right is Sarah Michelle Gellar, arguably one of the most beautiful actresses in the world. She is not a felon, and also lacks ears the size of a small elephant's.
Well, there you have it, a completely unbiased, objective study in which I feel I sufficiently proved that ugliness is the most important factor in determining whether or not a person is going to end up in jail. From this study, I feel that we now have the information needed to take crime detection to a whole new level. Imagine the increase in safety of the American people when, instead of simply waiting for an ugly person to commit a crime, we throw them in jail before it happens. I like to call it, "preemptive incarceration", and I think it is without a doubt the next step in crime fighting. I have my eyes on you Mr. Cheney.
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2 comments:
Dude, your funny. I wish you had more here to read.
I've wondered about the people who are ugly inside. No matter how much plastic surgery or good jobs, ugly inside trumps outside. That's because beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
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