Preparing For The End

Thanks to a report by Glenn Beck last week, I am now aware of the imminent return of Jesus. I'm not sure of the exact sequence of events, but if you have any questions, please refer to the books his guests have written: The Left Behind series. They will explain everything perfectly, and I find there is no better way to interpret a book of Holy Scripture than with a 26$ book of fiction. Anyway, without further ado, I must make my final declarations.

To Whom It May Concern,

In the case of a rapture event, or any other occurrence resulting in my disappearance and believed to be attributable to the supernatural, I hereby declare that these words reflect my final wishes.

I wish that my stereo be given to John. He was always sort of a jerk to me, so I figure he will probably be left behind anyway.

To my neighbor, who always kept me awake with his late night parties and inconsiderate choice of outdoor lighting, I leave my car, which should be no more than a smoldering pile of brimstone by the time he gets it.

All my other possessions I give to Ari. He does a lot of charity work with children, and will need the money, plus everyone knows the Jews are a doomed people.

These are my final requests, and I hope that they will be honored, even by you godless unrapturables.

Enjoy the Anti-Christ, ye workers of iniquity,
The Honorable Flamingo

P.S. Although the end is near and I think everyone must prepare, I hope you will still all buy the book I am planning to write: Why I'm in Heaven and You're Not.

Asking The Tough Questions

Anyone who knows me understands that I am happy to make Fox News my sole source for political commentary, everyday happenings, and morning worship. They report to me the whole story, meaning there is really no other reason to watch any other channel. For instance, take these two interviews that they put together. They force candidates to answer the difficult questions, and never pull any punches.

Barack Obama

FoxNews: Mr. Obama, thank you for sitting down with us.
Barack Obama: It is my pleasure.
FN: Let's start with immigration. You support allowing immigrants who are in the country illegally an opportunity to earn citizenship. Are there any other laws of America that you don't respect?
BO: I respect all the laws of this country. It is impossible to simply round up the 12 mil...
FN: Alright, we have to move on. You have been against the Iraq War from the start, why is that?
BO: As I have said in the past, I feel that the decision to go to war in Iraq was made in a foolish and rash manner. I have been consistent in my criticism of the Administration's handling of the war, and feel that despite the best efforts of our troops, there can be no military solution to a political conflict.
FN: But isn't it a little unpatriotic to criticize the President in a time of war?
BO: There is nothing unpatriotic about asking for an end to a war that has been waged so absurdly. This Administration has given us no concrete plan and no definition of victory. The American people have expressed their disapproval of this war, and it is about time some of their representatives speak up on their behalf.
FN: Finally, I have to ask about your name, what is that Iranian?
BO: I'm from Hawaii.
FN: Well, it's an interesting debate. That's all the time we have, thanks for agreeing to this interview.
BO: My pleasure...

Mitt Romney

FoxNews: Mayor Romney, thanks for taking the time away from being patriotic to talk to us.
Mitt Romney: You're welcome.
FN: Let's talk about immigration. How do you propose to reform the current system.
MR: I think we need to encourage legal immigration and discourage illegal immigration.
FN: Exactly...I mean, OK. Now about terrorism, what is your position.
MR: Well I feel that we must defeat the radical jihadists wherever they may be, and if we don't they will attack us in our own country. I feel that the position of the Democratic Party will only lead to making America unsafe.
FN: A quick follow-up. Why do you think Democrats are opposed to a safe country?
MR: Probably cowardice, but I can't say for sure.
FN: Before we go Mr. Romney, one final question: who should I make the check out to?

GOP Debate

The second Republican candidates debate occurred last week, and I think it is safe to say that it left the public in a frenzy. It is always exciting to see people speak so enthusiastically about plans that they aren't going to implement. In fact, it sort of reminds me of Congress. But really, with this being such an important Presidential election, I think it is a good idea to get people fed up with politics a year and a half before the election.

With enough participants to start a basketball team, and not enough original ideas to write a children's book, the debate left both viewers a little disappointed. However, the night was not without its tense moments. For instance, possibly the most vicious battle of the day came between Mitt Romney and John McCain.



Look at McCain, going right for the larynx. These are the moments that really get me fired up.

As expected, with ten participants total, there were many differences. However, with all their squabbles, there is one things all the candidates seem to agree on: they all hate Ron Paul. For instance, take a look at Rudy Giuliani going after the Congressman after he suggests a change in U.S. foreign policy.



Probably the most telling part of the debate was the fact that Fox News had to go all the way to South Carolina to find a receptive Republican audience. This may seem a little extreme, but it really isn't all that surprising. After all, holding an intelligent debate in South Carolina is like holding a science convention at Liberty University.

Editorial Cartoon Time!

I saw this first cartoon in a "Pentecostal Evangel" magazine. I'm sure you can see why. It is rare to find editorial cartoonists who are published in fundamentalist religious publications. I suspect this is at least partly because most religious fundamentalists aren't very funny.

The comics here are by Wayne Stayskal. As you can probably see, he is pro-gun, anti-abortion, doesn't buy global warming, and according to the first cartoon, apparently believes the end is near. Take it how you will, I just thought I'd put them up here.

Oh, and here is a little bit about Stayskal from his page on gocomics.com:

Wayne Stayskal, nationally syndicated editorial cartoonist for the Tampa Tribune, keeps readers chuckling and sometimes raises an eyebrow with his sharp wit and intriguing style. His cartoon commentary breaks the boundaries of politics to include topical subjects such as HMOs, education, global warming and the cigarette wars.

The New Face Of Bible Literalism

After years of searching for the boat that legend (and by legend I mean the unerring word of God) says held the ancient Noah, his three sons, three daughters, bunches of domesticated animals, and two of everything else, Johan Huibers has gotten fed up. In fact, he's so fed up he's building his own.

He worked hard to make everything just as it would have been in Noah's day, even going so far as to build much of the ark by hand, albeit using modern tools. Johan's Ark is only about one-fifth the Biblical recommendations for world flood safety, but I chalk that up to Johan's having a hard time finding an actual 500 year old man to help him build it.

The Ark will act as a sort of museum for creationist children, where they will be able to go to learn about the real science of the world, including a brief theater show in which children watch a scientific recreation of the Ark story. If you would like to watch this without going to Holland, than you can just rent the Disney cartoon Fantasia, because that's what Johan will be showing.

Johan has said that he hopes in building the museum to renew the interest in Christianity in the Netherlands. He also plans to bring the ark to several cities in Belgium and Germany, with the goal of eventually annoying people all across Europe with his giant boat.

But this story got me thinking. If we can bring credibility to the Ark story just by building one, perhaps we can do the same for other Bible stories. Imagine the excitement for God we will cause once we start building our Tower to Heaven. We will joyously remind people of the truth about how God saw humanity united as one in the greatest public works project ever, then destroyed their building, and to add insult to injury, even made some of them British.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work on my Knowledge of Good and Evil seed.