Preparing For The End

Thanks to a report by Glenn Beck last week, I am now aware of the imminent return of Jesus. I'm not sure of the exact sequence of events, but if you have any questions, please refer to the books his guests have written: The Left Behind series. They will explain everything perfectly, and I find there is no better way to interpret a book of Holy Scripture than with a 26$ book of fiction. Anyway, without further ado, I must make my final declarations.

To Whom It May Concern,

In the case of a rapture event, or any other occurrence resulting in my disappearance and believed to be attributable to the supernatural, I hereby declare that these words reflect my final wishes.

I wish that my stereo be given to John. He was always sort of a jerk to me, so I figure he will probably be left behind anyway.

To my neighbor, who always kept me awake with his late night parties and inconsiderate choice of outdoor lighting, I leave my car, which should be no more than a smoldering pile of brimstone by the time he gets it.

All my other possessions I give to Ari. He does a lot of charity work with children, and will need the money, plus everyone knows the Jews are a doomed people.

These are my final requests, and I hope that they will be honored, even by you godless unrapturables.

Enjoy the Anti-Christ, ye workers of iniquity,
The Honorable Flamingo

P.S. Although the end is near and I think everyone must prepare, I hope you will still all buy the book I am planning to write: Why I'm in Heaven and You're Not.