Baywatch Cast Reunites!

Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff were among a group of other television stars that you haven't heard from since 2001, celebrating the release of DVD box sets of the first two seasons of 'Baywatch'. The show began in 1989, and was cancelled after the first season because the ratings were low, people hated it, and it was just plain painful to watch. David Hasselhoff, who plays the part of Mitch Buchannon, and I like even less than Pat Buchannan, revived the show in 1991, where it got huge international acclaim, proving conclusively that the United States is the smartest nation in the world, if only by default.

David Hasselhoff became famous by starring in the series, 'Knight Rider'. If you haven't heard of it, it's probably because it sucked as well. In that series, Hasselhoff played a cop who was nearly killed by a gunshot wound to the head, only to be saved by a metal plate that had been implanted in his cranium. Never in my life have I so loathed the word 'nearly'.

Pamela Anderson signed on to Baywatch in the second season, years before her vagina got too large to fit into a normal sized swimsuit. This show began her breasts' rise to stardom, a rise that concluded when she had them removed, citing the fact that they were now more famous than she was.

Although Baywatch was truly a sad decade for America, I have a plan that will allow the Baywatch actors to redeem themselves (although Hasselhoff may be too far gone at this point). I suggest running episodes of Baywatch at suspected terrorist interrogations. One hour of this, and most will be begging us to let them leak valuable information about their groups. The videos might also make for a quick end to hostage stand-offs, bringing an end to a domestic problem that has plagued us for all too long.

It is unsure how many copies of the DVDs will be sold, but one thing is certain, doctors will be seeing an increase in brain aneurisms this Christmas season.

Bush Approves Border Fence

President George Bush signed legislation into law earlier today approving 700 miles of fence along the US-Mexico border. The fence would cover about a third of the total border. This has prompted illegal immigrants to draw up a new plan for crossing the ever changing border.Immigrants feel that the new plan will be an effective tool, and feel that they have put at least as much thought, if not more, into border control than the United States has.

Unfortunately, the bill offers no way to pay for the full cost of this fence, leading some to wonder where the money will have to come from. The early estimates suggest the fence could cost more than twice the 1.2 billion dollars appropriated in the bill.

The act has not been met with complete approval, however, and has caused some friction between the United States and its neighbor to the south. Foreign Secretary Luis Ernesto Derbez said that President Vincente Fow of Mexico even thought of taking the issue to the United Nations. Fox has since ruled out the suggestion, citing the possible "international embarrassment/ass kicking" Mexico would take in the suit.

Although they have backed away from international action, Mexico has condemned the fence act, calling it "a unilateral measure that goes against the spirit of understanding that should characterize how shared problems between neighboring countries are handled and that affects cooperation in the hemisphere."

You know, Mexico is right. After all, before putting up a fence, you should have to ask the country whose people are breaking in whether or not they approve of it. In fact, the philosophy led Mexico to develop a new policy of allowing inmates to draw up the blueprints for new prisons, but then realized new prisons wouldn't be necessary, since most of their criminals are already in the United States.

New Republican Campaign Ad

After the RNC released its new "stakes" ad, I was thrilled. Thrilled because people need to truly know just what kind of pansies the Democrats really are. The only objection I had is that the commercial sugarcoated the Democrats reputation on national security. It was too soft on them. Bill Clinton can't be let off the hook this easily. So, I have created my own commercial, which I am making available to the Republican National Committee free of charge. Here it is:



Now I think everyone can agree that this ad will convey the proper message. Don't be offended by the truth, just vote Republican.




Note: This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done...and thats saying quite a bit.

What Countries Are Really Doing In The UN General Assembly

Being that there are now 192 nations involved in the UN, thought it would be interesting to find out what some of them really do during the meeting of the general assembly. It is through eavesdropping, tireless research, and immoral sexual favors that I have composed this list.

Bahrain- When this country isn't having little to no effect on United Nations policy, it is trading its vote to any country with more than a million people and enough time to at least smile and nod when it passes them in the hallway. To be fair, the President of the General Assembly for 2006 is from Bahrain, but then again I've never heard of her and neither have you.

Venezuela- The Venezuelans sit under the name of the "Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela", probably just so they can get a better seat in the alphabetical system. They spend most of their time photoshopping pictures in order to make it look like George Bush is kissing other men or, a personal favorite of President Chavez's, giving a wrap-around to Satan himself.

East Timor- East Timor has the lowest per capita GDP in the world, and a total of about 370 million, or about half of President Bush's Christmas Club account. This country can usually be seen playing pranks on the other nations in the General Assembly, and I hear one of their favorites is the blowgun tranquilizer dart to the throat, always a crowd favorite.

Kyrgyzstan- This country spends the biggest part of its time in the UN asking Papua New Guinea if it can borrow some vowels from its name, and swearing it will return them. Apart from that, this country can often be seen doing crossword puzzles and pretending to talk on the phone in order to make people think they are important.

If the United Nations were a giant box of strawberries, most of the countries would be the ones at the bottom, that get soft and moldy no matter how fast you eat them. With that said, I leave you with this picture of the knotted gun that stands outside the UN building in New York. It is a glorius symbol of peace, and also a great metaphor for the effectiveness of the institution itself.

Insulting Wisconsin Man Detained At Airport

Ryan Bird, of Wisconsin, was detained at Milwaukee Airport Tuesday, after writing "Kip Hawley is an idiot" on his plastic, see through, terrorist-proof bag of toiletries. Airport officials detained the man for 25 minutes while trying to determine if what was written was actually a threat. This analysis took almost half an hour, proving conclusively that Ryan Bird may actually be the most clever person in Wisconsin.

The object of Bird's frustration, Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security for the TSA, Kip Hawley, has caught a lot of criticism lately, and not just about his name. The TSA has come under fire from passangers as more than 60 agents have been arrested for stealing property from suspecting passangers. TSA agents, on the other hand have fought beack with statements saying they are frustrated by low wages and by continually being called idiots.

With all the hullabaloo that this has caused, however, I for one do not see the real problem here. As one TSA screener put it so eloquently to the obviously irrational Bird "You can't right things like that." I couldn't have said it better myself. There is simply no reason why first amendment rights should extend inside the airport screening area. Why doesn't Bird just fly over to Pakistan, brush out Bin Laden's beard, and give him a hot stone massage, complete with happy ending? Jihad has never felt so good.