News Round-Up

It Takes One To Know One
Cherie Blair, the wife of British PM Tony Blair, only pretended to slap 17 year-old Miles Gandolfi after he held two fingers up behind her head during a photograph. The faux slap came after Blair allegedly referred to Gandolfi jokingly as, cheeky. Gandolfi then responded, "I'm not the only one", as he pinched the lawyers gigantic jowls.

Bounty Hunter Lands In Doghouse
The reality-television bounty hunter "Dog" Chapman was required to wear a monitoring "collar" until his extradition hearing to Mexico. The star was arrested after helping with the apprehension of Andrew Luster, the heir to the Max Factor cosmetic company. During the hearing in which Dog was ordered to wear the monitor, fans held signs and cheered outside the courtroom. While the authorities officially have their Luster back, Dog has seemingly lost none of his.

Spinach Contaminated, Children Celebrate
Jubilation rang through the streets of the nation as kids everwhere celebrated the news that tainted spinach had been pulled off shelves all over the country. Many saw the announcement last week as a major victory in the war against healthy food, a war that has been fought by the children since "we first learned how to spit", a spokesperson for the group, said. Little Johnny Waterhall also added, "If we didn't demonstrate, it would send a message to our parents that America's children are weak."

Single Handedly Boost Your Income!

We can all use more money, and what better way to pad your wallet then getting paid to move on yourself like Patton on Sicily. That's right, if you have ever wanted to have a child or ten, only to be plagued by thoughts of "I'm too lazy, irresponsible, hideously ugly" then sperm donation is just the thing for you.

Becoming a sperm donor is not easy, and while you may have honed your ability to perfection with years of sitting in front of the television, computer screen, or older sister's bedroom, in this case, it's what's on the inside that counts. Just remember, if you get turned down because you happen to be sperm deficient, or you happen to be full of physically disabled sperm, who just can't swim very well, chances are you will never live it down, so give you're best effort the first time.

So now I say to you, go, go where every man has gone before, sometimes more than once a day, and actually get paid to do it. Be proud, you're living the American dream, and nothing can take that away, except perhaps a girlfriend, a vasectomy, or a photo of Margaret Thatcher. But enjoy it while it lasts, because who knows how long you have before your child manufacturing job falls victim to outsourcing.

Police Chief, Mayor, and Councilman Resigns Over Wife's Adult Website

The resignations of Tod Ozmun, Mayor Dale Moore, and Councilman Clifford Barnard came amid controversy in Snyder, Oklahoma about nude photos posted on the internet of the police chief's wife, Doris Ozmun. Many citizens had hoped for legal action, but after a "thorough" investigation, the town council ruled that the pictures were protected by the first amendment.

While the original pictures have been removed from the internet, no doubt for the good of civilization as a whole, I managed to find this picture of Doris. From what I can tell, it is not the police chief who should have resigned, but in fact the townspeople who were looking for these sort of photos in the first place. Boy do I feel bad for that flag.

But if you think this controversy has made Tod any less accepting of his wife's activities, you would be wrong. In an interview Ozmun said "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis, it's absolutely ludicrous." I might add at the beginning of that sentence, "Much better looking people". Although he says he has spoken with his wife about her activity, he says, "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." I hope there weren't a lot of large criminals in Snyder.

In other news, the police chief in Las Vegas was promoted after nude photos of his wife surfaced on the internet.

September 11th - We Remember

September 11th, 2001 was a day no one who was old enough to remember will ever forget. Five years later that day has been used to justify a war, illegal wire-taps, and other activities. I hope that today, we can sit and remember the day for what it was, a horrible terrorist attack on not only the US, but western culture as a whole. A day that broke our hearts individually, but united them again as one heart and one nation, and tore down the walls of ignorance and intolerance that we had built, for however short a time.

Today, let us not only remember the victims of that fateful day, but also the men and women who fight each and every day for the freedoms and values that we as a culture hold dear. Take a moment to reflect on what 9/11 meant to you, and to think about the victims and the soldiers. If you have time, visit the websites at the bottom of this post, and take a minute to remember the people who gave their lives, or had their lives taken. Make 9/11 a day not to promote war, but a day to promote peace, tolerance and love of one another.


September 11th Victims Memorial
Honor The Fallen

Note: Now that I am back in school, posts should start coming a lot more frequently, and I should be updating almost every day.

The Results Are In: Landis Too Manly For Cycling

This week, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was branded a cheater after an anti-doping test came back positive for extraordinary amounts of the sex hormone and anabolic steroid testosterone. Landis has denied all claims of foul play, and says that the high level of testosterone is a result of his body's natural processes, making him one hell of a man. I have no evidence to back me up, but I suspect Landis must need to shave at least 4 times a day, eat red meat around the clock, and routinely buy tools just to keep his testosterone happy.

While Landis would be the first rider to lose his Tour de France title if found guilty, he is certainly not the first person to be accused of cheating. Lance Armstrong, who won 7 straight Tours, a record, was constantly under the microscope. In fact, he had to have a testicle removed just so he could qualify for competition, and even then, he was a man among boys. Obviously Landis should have considered doing the same.

With all eyes on him, and the allegations, rocking the world of cycling fans, all 12 of them, Landis has so far managed to keep his cool. But as pressure builds, I have some advice to offer the world class biker: be proud. You are the most masculine of all cyclists, a group notorious for their manly behavior and tight uniforms. Live it up, you are a hero for all those blessed with unusually high testosterone. The people who were picked on, downtrodden, and never had a chance to be normal, like this well known movie character.