The Results Are In: Landis Too Manly For Cycling

This week, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was branded a cheater after an anti-doping test came back positive for extraordinary amounts of the sex hormone and anabolic steroid testosterone. Landis has denied all claims of foul play, and says that the high level of testosterone is a result of his body's natural processes, making him one hell of a man. I have no evidence to back me up, but I suspect Landis must need to shave at least 4 times a day, eat red meat around the clock, and routinely buy tools just to keep his testosterone happy.

While Landis would be the first rider to lose his Tour de France title if found guilty, he is certainly not the first person to be accused of cheating. Lance Armstrong, who won 7 straight Tours, a record, was constantly under the microscope. In fact, he had to have a testicle removed just so he could qualify for competition, and even then, he was a man among boys. Obviously Landis should have considered doing the same.

With all eyes on him, and the allegations, rocking the world of cycling fans, all 12 of them, Landis has so far managed to keep his cool. But as pressure builds, I have some advice to offer the world class biker: be proud. You are the most masculine of all cyclists, a group notorious for their manly behavior and tight uniforms. Live it up, you are a hero for all those blessed with unusually high testosterone. The people who were picked on, downtrodden, and never had a chance to be normal, like this well known movie character.

USA Eliminated From World Cup

After an embarrassing loss to the Czech Republic, a spirited tie with Italy, and a disappointing loss to Ghana, the US squad finished last in Group E of the 2006 World Cup. Luckily, while some nations shut down during the World Cup, soccer causes less of a stir in the United States than Janet Jackson's nipple. Occasionally, when I feel like I am the only soccer fan left in this country, I like to make a show of my support, and I take the liberty of taking an hour off from work in the middle of the day, as I was forced to do last Thursday. However, my show of national pride did not impress my soccer loathing, US hating boss, and my actions didn't go without notice. It is the nation's apathy toward the sport of soccer that has inspired me to write about what I have learned during the first round and now into the first day of eliminations, and also what I think is needed to make soccer popular in this our beloved United States.

What I Have Learned
1.) Thank God we seperated ourselves from the English- You don't have to look far to find instances of English hooligans causing a ruckus. Just last week over 200 English fans were arrested for throwing chairs and othe items at celebrating German fans. And you thought Clive Anderson was the worst thing to come out of England.

2.) I really need to take a trip to Mexico- The World Cup is known for bringing nations together, and it has inspired me to make an effort and bring myself together with a few of our friends from the South. If only all immigrants looked like this.

How To Improve Soccer In The US
1.) Bigger nets- One thing Americans hate about soccer? Not enough scoring. This could all be changed by adding some surface area to those damn nets. My conservative suggestion doubles each dimension of the net. Not enough scoring before? How about when the net is 42 feet long and 16 feet tall. Let's see you reach the crossbar now Mr. Goalkeeper.

2.) Smaller Goalies- If you think that scoring is just too difficult against these 6'+ goalkeepers, just wait until you see a midget in every net. In order to be fair to everyone, I propose a height limit of 5'. Think about the joy of horse jockeys, who have always felt themselves too short to play soccer. Now they can feel free to try out for any team they wish.

If my suggestions don't inspire a renewed desire in Americans to watch soccer, I simply don't know what will. Perhaps Janet Jackson's nipple.

(Note: Unfortunately, my blog was being a little uncooperative and not allowing me to post pictures, so I linked to one, and left out the other. If this has happened to anyone else, or you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment. Thanks, and I apologize for the inconvenience of the link.)

R. Kelly Sex Tape To Be Shown To Public

Judge Vincent Gaughan announced earlier this week that, despite requests from prosecutors and defense attorneys alike, he is going to allow the public and the media to view the sex tape that allegedly shows singer R. Kelly committing lewd sex acts with a 13 year old girl. The judge cited that there was no "overarching interest" in keeping the public from viewing the tape. He said that not allowing the public to see the key piece of evidence could result in an unfair trial for Kelly. When reminded that the tape contained video of a 13 year old girl in embarrassing and sexually degrading acts, the judge replied "huh?" But imagine the joy of Chicago pedophiles, upon hearing that instead of having to work so hard to hide their child pornography collections from the authorities, the authorities were going to bring child pornography right to them...LEGALLY!

Based on the belief that a fair trial is impossible without showing complete disregard for the victim, I have another suggestion for the court. Why not have each jury member and the judge take turns urinating on the girl, who is now 21? They certainly won't be prejudice if they each have committed one of the very same acts. This is sure to create a much more fair trial. In fact, why not have a public urination? Put each member of the public in Kelly's place, let them feel the pain of the true victim. It is only fair after all.

So what does this mean for the general public? What does it mean for a 21 year old woman who most likely wants nothing more than to get on with her life? I'm not really sure, but in a city known for its corrupt judges, Gaughan has just raised the bar. So let's all rush to Chicago for a public viewing of child pornography, not to mention their 2-for-1 sale on idiots.

You Thought Your Job Was Stressful

Oftentimes, we look at the amount of stress our own jobs place on us, and we feel a little overwhelmed, but I now realize that I have it easy. One person in the world that almost certainly has a more stressful job than I? The Pope. Imagine being put in charge of just over 1 Billion people. He is the most powerful boss in the world, and is expected to keep track of everyone, all without looking like a complete jerk. Not easy if you ask me.

If being the Prince of the Apostles and the Vicar of Christ isn't enough pressure to deal with, try being the infallible when it comes to questions of religion and morals. Getting a little hot under the mitre are you? It isn't easy being nearly perfect, and just imagine, if the Catholics screw up under your watch, who do you think God will be coming after.

But I suppose being the Pope isn't all bad. After, since Catholic doctrine says that the Roman Church is above all other churches, you would be the leader of the number one church in the world. On top of that, you have your own city, which is possibly the coolest thing I have ever heard of.

But if you have decided that you would some day like to be Pope, not so fast. The office is gained only through election by God. Well, either that or a group of high ranking Bishops, whichever is easier to get ahold of (God is very busy, especially on weekends). However, if this doesn't really suit you, with enough money you can always buy the position (see the Borgia family), or father illegitimate children (see Pope Paul III, Pope Alexander VI, Pope Pius IV...). But don't let this stop you, and if you are fortunate enough to become Pope, remember this advice: Nothing tells people who question your authority to shut the hell up like a leather-bound copy of the Dogmatic Constitution.

Mexico Struggles With Immigrant Problems

While the immigration issue in this the horrible, unaccepting United States of ours generally gets all the attention, Mexico has its own problems. In fact, Mexico has had to institute tough anti-immigration laws in order to keep the situation under control. It is easy to see how immigration could be such a problem for a country with a net migration rate of -4.32 (CIA Factbook), but many fear things have gone too far.

Foreign born people in Mexico make up roughly half a percent, that's right .5% of the population, while in the USA the figure is around 13%. These foreigners in Mexico are not allowed to hold public office, are unable to vote, and can be permanently deported for the crime of "getting involved in politics", a crime that ranges from helping a political campaign to becoming the Governor of California.

But it is no real surprise that the Mexican people distrust Americans, with our hippies, steroids, and shoes with heels that light up. But, who wouldn't want to go to a country where the water causes irritable bowel syndrome, and the citizens sneak into the bordering country to pick fruit, fillet fish, and dig holes?

Most people agree the US is overdue for immigration reform, and perhaps we should let Mexico be our guide. First, we would have to remove Arnold Schwarzenegger from office and castrate him with a sewing needle. Next we would have to place keen eyed citizens outside all the government buildings, in order to stop would be government affectors. Lastly, we would appoint large, burly athletes who routinely use steroids to guard the border. That way they could, kick, throw, or hurl immigrants back into their own country. After all, if it's good enough for Mexico, it's good enough for...wait a minute, what the hell am I saying.

So go, enjoy Mexico and their gladiator like immigration obstacles. Trust me, the language in which they sing the National Anthem will be the least of your worries.