1-800-GO-PAGAN

Feeling like your religion could use a tune up? Tired of being made fun of on Youtube by atheists who never leave their house except to buy more webcam accessories? If this sounds like you then you're a perfect candidate for a conversion to paganism.

But in a time when the world is so uncertain, and religious tensions ever present, not just any old heretical religion will do. No, now is the time for us to go Jain.

Yes, you heard me correctly, Jainism. If you've never heard of it you probably aren't alone, and that's OK, because they are probably going to hell anyways. But perhaps if we could get more people behind this thing, since it is one of the oldest religions, maybe God would change his mind and make it the true religion after all. Alright, so Jains don't believe in God...but karma will certainly look well on us once we are the majority. What are some other beliefs of Jainism? I thought you'd never ask.

1.) Equality of all life and non-violence.
That's right, Jains don't kill anything. This one might take a little getting used to, but think of how great it would be when there are no wars, no domestic violence, and no Charlton Heston. Did I say that out loud? Anyway, doesn't sound like such a bad world to me.

2.) Truth
Jains place much importance on telling the truth, so for this one we may have to make a few changes. First of all I suppose we could cancel Fox News...and maybe MSNBC, but I'm not sure anyone watches them anyway. Cut out the tabloids, half of the internet, and we are well on our way to a Dharmic lifestyle.

3.) Chastity
This one might be a little tricky. Sort of like Catholics, only Monks in the Jain religion are actually completely chaste, everyone else simply keeps sex within marriage, and remains faithful to their partner...I'm not sure which would be harder. The really tough part, however, is that the Jains believe that any impure thoughts are also a violation of chastity. This will be hard to do for some people, but to start I would recommend canceling the Tyra Show and replacing it with reruns of the View.

The Jains also, among other things, seek to eradicate hate, anger, and malice from the world. This means that we might actually have to love our neighbors, but if you think about it, after a while, it would probably become second nature. Not to mention, I think the value of world peace outweighs the little bit of annoyance it might be to not hate people. All in all I hope that the entire world will follow my lead, because Jain is the religion of the future!

Wait a second, I'd have to be a vegetarian! Screw that, the Jains are all going to hell anyway.

Let The Gun Control Battle Begin

Of course it is really no surprise that less than a week after the tragedy at Virginia Tech, advocates from both sides of the gun control issue have stepped forward to exploit it. CNN.com published editorials from two typical sides of the debate, and this post will examine these pieces.

First, perhaps a little background is necessary. Tom Plate takes the pro-gun control side, and judging from the looks of his glasses, thats probably a good thing. On the other side, Ted Nugent will argue for more guns. Oh, and by the way, he is wearing camouflage in this picture, just in case you were having trouble seeing him. Alright, thats plenty of background, lets get to the writing.

Plate-"So let's just disregard all the hoopla about the race of the student responsible for the slayings. These students were not killed by a Korean, they were killed by a 9 mm handgun and a .22-caliber handgun."

I can't say I've heard much "hoopla" about race, and I agree that that is beside the point. However, to say that these students and professors were killed by handguns is ridiculous. If handguns are fully responsible here, then we can blame planes for September 11th, and marshmallows for those damned circus peanuts. What say you Mr. Nugent?

Nugent-"Yet, there are still the mindless puppets of the Brady Campaign and other anti-gun organizations insisting on continuing the gun-free zone insanity by which innocents are forced into unarmed helplessness."

I wish I had thought of calling everyone who disagrees with me a "mindless puppet", because it is so much better than actually trying to formulate a coherent point. Who are gun-control advocates puppets of, you ask? That's a good question, surely not the President, and I can guess not the vice president either. Is Mr. Nugent really advocating arming every college student with a firearm so that they aren't forced into "unarmed helplessness", you have to be kidding.

In reality, most Americans probably fall somewhere between these two extremes in the gun control debate. Not all of us go to sleep in camouflage pajamas dreaming of knocking off burglars with out sub-machine gun/guitar. On the other hand, most of us realize that it is not only impossible but unnecessary to pass laws to the point at which guns will be available only in museums.

So where are we now. A mentally ill young man walked into a building and gunned down innocent people with two semi-automatic handguns. I think that most people, like myself, support reasonable measures to control who can get their hands on weapons. The type of extreme reactions that occur after these incidents only serves to cheapen the actual debate.

My heart goes out to the victims at Virginia Tech, and I sincerely hope that they will be remembered for who they were: students and teachers, friends and families, sons and daughters, and not as some launchpad for a political firefight.

Fifth-Graders Arrested For Sex In Classroom

In an time when young people seem to be "coming-of-age" sooner than ever, it appears that some middle-school students in Louisiana have just raised the bar another couple notches. Authorities say that when the class was inadvertently left unattended for about 15 minutes, four students began engaging in sexual acts while another stood lookout. The Vice Principal later expressed his disapproval of the situation, and lamented that the students had accomplished more in 15 minutes than he had been able to in 37 years.

But the seriousness of this case can simply not be understated. It is unacceptable to have pedophiles roaming the halls of our countries middle schools. This being the case, it only makes sense to begin seeking out child-predators at earlier ages. I've placed my call to Dateline, and I suggest you do the same. It's about time we heard "Tonight, on Dateline, To Catch a Predator: Middle School edition." Chris Hanson and the crew could set up mock tea parties, record the proceedings, and then lurk in the shadows, ready to pounce on unsuspecting youngsters, who would then be tasered and led to jail. Justice is sweet, especially when it makes me some fat royalty checks.

It is unknown as to what caused the impromptu sexual romp, and we can only speculate as to its origins and possible effects. Some claim that the bisexual orgy was a protest against current gay marriage laws, while Rosie O'Donnell contended on The View that the whole situation was orchestrated by the Bush Administration as a way to raise the distrust of children. No one knows for sure, but the police have launched a full scale investigation, and it's a good thing too, because trying desperately to keep the city safe was becoming a real bore. Maybe the library shouldn't have let those students sign out the Kama Sutra in the first place.

I'm Posting Again?!?!

I'm going to try to get back to making posts regularly, but have been fairly busy lately. I've had a lot of writing to do that is actually graded (and probably read by more people now that I think about it).

But really, there is no excuse for my blog sitting idle for almost 2 months now, and hopefully that situation will be remedied by this evening. For now, here is a picture of a pile of cheese.

How Your Uninformed Girlfriend (or Boyfriend) Predicts Election Winners

In an era where polls and up-to-the-minute reporting are frequently taking the excitement out of the old office election pools, many people have begun to come up with new ways to choose political parties: mascots.

Much like with sports teams, a good political mascot emphasizes the qualities of the group it represents. Tigers are fierce and strong. Colts are sleek and fast. Pirates rape, pillage, and terrorize the high seas. Seeing the positive qualities that such icons bring out in a team, it was only a matter of time before political parties jumped on board.

For instance, the Independence Party of Minnesota chose the Buffalo as their mascot, because much like Independence, the Buffalo nearly became extinct, and unfortunately, we are still awaiting the outcome of that battle. The Libertarian Party's mascot is the penguin, because a bird that is confined to one general area is always a good analogy for freedom.

The political mascots of more prominent parties bear an even more striking resemblance to the people they represent. For example, in the United States today, one party's mascot is an overweight, light-skinned animal with huge ears, and the other is a literal ass.

I'm not sure I could come up with any better representatives for the parties we have today. One tramples through the underbrush eating everything in its path, while the other is often foolish, and if I remember correctly, rarely comes out of his hut and is also quite droopy and depressed.

I could leave it at that, but in the interest of reform, and to end this on a positive note, I will suggest my own mascots.

The new Democratic mascot will be a cat. Cats can't be herded, which means they can never make up their damn minds to do anything together. They are also very skittish, and rarely come around, but if you bring in anything new, they'll definitely crap all over it.

The Republican mascot will be a branding iron. The exact opposite of the cat, the branding iron makes up its mind and sticks to it, because its made out of really hot metal. It doesn't really matter what it's opinions are, because if you even come close to challenging them, it will label you so fast you won't know what hit you, until you feel the third degree burns.