I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Friday, February 09, 2007

How Your Uninformed Girlfriend (or Boyfriend) Predicts Election Winners

In an era where polls and up-to-the-minute reporting are frequently taking the excitement out of the old office election pools, many people have begun to come up with new ways to choose political parties: mascots.

Much like with sports teams, a good political mascot emphasizes the qualities of the group it represents. Tigers are fierce and strong. Colts are sleek and fast. Pirates rape, pillage, and terrorize the high seas. Seeing the positive qualities that such icons bring out in a team, it was only a matter of time before political parties jumped on board.

For instance, the Independence Party of Minnesota chose the Buffalo as their mascot, because much like Independence, the Buffalo nearly became extinct, and unfortunately, we are still awaiting the outcome of that battle. The Libertarian Party's mascot is the penguin, because a bird that is confined to one general area is always a good analogy for freedom.

The political mascots of more prominent parties bear an even more striking resemblance to the people they represent. For example, in the United States today, one party's mascot is an overweight, light-skinned animal with huge ears, and the other is a literal ass.

I'm not sure I could come up with any better representatives for the parties we have today. One tramples through the underbrush eating everything in its path, while the other is often foolish, and if I remember correctly, rarely comes out of his hut and is also quite droopy and depressed.

I could leave it at that, but in the interest of reform, and to end this on a positive note, I will suggest my own mascots.

The new Democratic mascot will be a cat. Cats can't be herded, which means they can never make up their damn minds to do anything together. They are also very skittish, and rarely come around, but if you bring in anything new, they'll definitely crap all over it.

The Republican mascot will be a branding iron. The exact opposite of the cat, the branding iron makes up its mind and sticks to it, because its made out of really hot metal. It doesn't really matter what it's opinions are, because if you even come close to challenging them, it will label you so fast you won't know what hit you, until you feel the third degree burns.

3 comments:

BEAJ said...

You deserve to be from New Jersey. Why does it smell so bad there in the summer? Pig farms or ethnics I guess.

The Flamingo said...

I can't believe my residence is being made fun of by a Canuck. I'm not originally from New Jersey though, I still live in Maine during the summer, so I'm a lot closer to my favorite Atheist Jew Blogger guy.

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