Fifth-Graders Arrested For Sex In Classroom

In an time when young people seem to be "coming-of-age" sooner than ever, it appears that some middle-school students in Louisiana have just raised the bar another couple notches. Authorities say that when the class was inadvertently left unattended for about 15 minutes, four students began engaging in sexual acts while another stood lookout. The Vice Principal later expressed his disapproval of the situation, and lamented that the students had accomplished more in 15 minutes than he had been able to in 37 years.

But the seriousness of this case can simply not be understated. It is unacceptable to have pedophiles roaming the halls of our countries middle schools. This being the case, it only makes sense to begin seeking out child-predators at earlier ages. I've placed my call to Dateline, and I suggest you do the same. It's about time we heard "Tonight, on Dateline, To Catch a Predator: Middle School edition." Chris Hanson and the crew could set up mock tea parties, record the proceedings, and then lurk in the shadows, ready to pounce on unsuspecting youngsters, who would then be tasered and led to jail. Justice is sweet, especially when it makes me some fat royalty checks.

It is unknown as to what caused the impromptu sexual romp, and we can only speculate as to its origins and possible effects. Some claim that the bisexual orgy was a protest against current gay marriage laws, while Rosie O'Donnell contended on The View that the whole situation was orchestrated by the Bush Administration as a way to raise the distrust of children. No one knows for sure, but the police have launched a full scale investigation, and it's a good thing too, because trying desperately to keep the city safe was becoming a real bore. Maybe the library shouldn't have let those students sign out the Kama Sutra in the first place.