Atheist T-Shirts

Are you godless? If you are, then I have some clothing for you. These atheist t-shirts will have all your friends asking you where you got it, and how they can get their hands on one. Just wait, you will turn heads, and souls, with your new wardrobe.When will these stylish tees be available you ask? Probably never. It's not my fault, it's just that there isn't really a demographic for these things, unless of course you want to get the hell beat out of you...literally.

President Celebrates 74% Approval Rating In Heaven

While President George W. Bush has been subject to criticism recently, his administration points to the recent 2006 census in the Kingdom of God to prove that his policies are on the right track.

The newest statistics to come out of Paradise have left some of the most highly regarded political scientists confounded. They show that more than 74% of Heaven's eternal population approve of the job the President Bush is doing, and a whopping 89% support the war in Iraq.

These numbers come right on the heels of an overwhelming victory for Proposition 1,845,345,384, a Kindgom-wide referendum officially banning homosexual marriage. Next week, the legislature is expected to officially pass an amendment defining marriage as "between one man and one woman".

Press Secretary Tony Snow lauded the results, saying that they confirm the legitimacy of the Presidents actions. He also mentioned that Heaven is currently on the path towards democracy, and described it as a "shining beacon on a hill", and an example for Iraq. He later remarked that the President has always considered Paradise an important part of the Coalition of the Willing.

The Blessed Census also revealed that Heaven is entirely Christian, about 76% Republican, and the vast majority support the use of the death penalty. In the past 10 years, the population of heaven has grown .04% to 26 total people.

Finally, A Country That Stands Up For Freedom Of Speech

A lot has been said and written about the Holocaust conference in Iran, and most of it has been negative. I think that these naysayers are missing the point of the whole thing. Just because the conference happened to be made up of mostly people who deny the historical genocide of millions of Jews and other minorities doesn't mean it was a hate conference. They are just trying to get to the truth. Besides there were mainstream holocaust speakers there, I'm sure of it. I'm sure of it because David Duke says so, and why would he lie, he doesn't hate Jews, he said so himself on CNN.

All this should not overshadow the real reason for this conference, however: freedom of speech. Western countries have been trampling on it for too long, and what better place to make a stand against these injustices than in Iran. I can only hope that Iran will next set its sights on the jailing of journalists and the horrible way in which the West treats their women. Only then will liberal democracies realize that their oppressive policies will no longer be tolerated.

David Duke isn't a man who should be looked down upon. So he was Grand Wizard of the most notorious hate group in the world, he's just a man in search of the honest, fair and balanced truth. And for those of you who think Grand Wizard is sort of a candy ass title for the leader of the Ku Klux Klan, you're probably right, but that doesn't change the facts. Plus he has a doctorate now, albeit one from a controversial Ukrainian University mired in accusations of anti-semitism. He earned that Ph.D., and he earned the right to refer to himself as doctor...every time he speaks in public.

Besides, how bad could David Duke really be, Time Magazine just named him the 2006 Person of the Year.

Vote On The Seven New Wonders Of The World!

With all but one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World remaining, Swiss adventurer Bernard Weber has decided that it is time for the public to choose new ones. The only remaining original Wonder is the Great Pyramids of Giza, which is considered the best of the originals by many people with nothing better to do. The pyramids are among the final twenty-one nominees, but it remains to be seen whether or not they will stay on top.

Along with the pyramids, you can vote for the Great Wall of China, the Christ Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, and the Eiffel Tower in France. I have a feeling that the Eiffel Tower is getting its ass kicked. Bill O'Reilly and I have gotten together to urge Americans not to vote for this landmark. The French have failed to support us time and time again, and now we will show them what we think of it. We figure that with all of his viewers and both of mine, we could really send a message to those cowards. In fact, I've just decided to start writing eiffel tower, rather than 'Eiffel Tower'. That's right, it's no longer a proper noun. Take that France!

Instead, we urge you to vote for the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the French to the United States meant to celebrate its dominance over the rest of the world. And even then the French were unable to get the Statue here on time.

I would also like to announce that my nomination for a Wonder of the World was denied. I consider it a sad day for the world when the Plastic Lawn Flamingo (note the propoer noun) isn't considered a finalist in a Wonders of the World competition. First they stop production, and now they reject it as Wonder material. I fear that the Apocalypse may be upon us.

Rapist Sentenced To Be Slapped

A deaf and mute woman was raped earlier this week while returning from work in the village of Rampur, India. The village is about 205 miles northwest of Lucknow. That's right, a town called Lucknow is the only point of reference within 205 miles.

Police refused to arrest the man responsible, saying that because the woman was unable to talk, she could not narrate the incident. A spokesperson also added, "we can't be expected to bother with every little charge of sexual assault and battery, and if you think we are going to stand around watching some lowly woman do sign language, you've got another thing coming."

Because of the apathy of the authorities, the village court held a trial, and sentenced the man to be slapped publicly 51 times. This controversial landmark ruling has replaced the previous precedent of doing nothing. Many people feel that this is truly a step in the right direction for women's equality in India.

If you wonder where the figure of 51 slaps came from, it is actually an ancient Indian tradition, dating back almost 2,500 years. Alright, I made that up, it is actually an arbitrary number chosen by tribal leaders who had been into the ceremonial rum a little too early.

The man was also fined by the tribe in the amount of $110. While that may not sound like much for the brutal rape of a woman who can neither hear nor speak, to be fair, in Indian rupees, the sum is equivalent to about $1,450,293 dollars, or half the gross domestic product of India.