I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Finally, We Can Ignore Iowa For Another Four Years

Well, the Iowa caucuses are finally over, and that can only mean one thing...we can all stop caring about Iowa. In fact, our fascination with Iowa has more to do with their refusal to join the majority of the nation in voting like normal people than anything else. Instead, they choose to gather in a small middle school cafeteria, as our forefathers did. The throngs then gather themselves together based on candidate preference, if they are Democrats, or choose their candidate on paper, if they are Republican. Basically, the Iowa caucuses are a bunch of white people gathered together in a strange smelling room where the chairs are bolted to the tables, or as it is known elsewhere, bingo night.

It is unreasonable to expect much more from Iowa, however, considering they gave us Herbert Hoover, who destroyed American's faith in humanity by bringing us the Depression, and Ashton Kutcher, who ruined American's faith in humanity by bringing us Punk'd. Luckily, now that the candidates are moving east, Iowa's enormous failings as a state will be again be swept under the rug. On another note, the state will finally be able to remove that stop sign they put in to control all the traffic.

Perhaps the best thing for the U.S. to do is to launch a pre-emptive strike against Iowa. In fact, I think it could be the new President's first action. To help him out, I have drawn up a little map for him. That ought to bring those pesky Iowans back in line. Just think about all the good we could do in that area. The United States could help to rebuild their infrastructure, and bring their economy into the 21st century. We could even teach them to vote, like Americans, and bring democracy to that part of the world. We would be greeted as liberators.

We'd probably also have to give Iowa a professional athletic team to represent them, if we really wanted to grant the area full statehood. Perhaps they could field an NFL expansion team. The nickname, of course, would have to be one that Iowans can relate to, based on something they are familiar with. Perhaps a popular corn growing state game...ah, I've got it.

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