The Real Answer To Social Security

Alan Greenspan said in 2005 that in order to keep Social Security afloat in the future, the U.S. would either have to significantly raise taxes or cut benefits. However, since none of these options seem to appeal to the American people, I would like to consider what I think to be the obvious solution: fewer old people.

It is no doubt that there are more elderly people now than ever, and unfortunately, it is there oldness that is ruining Social Security. By selfishly remaining alive, these people are dragging the country towards economic trouble. But, you might ask, "what exactly can I do to help solve this problem?" Well, I'm glad you asked.

Most of us live near at least one or two old people that we consider friendly, forgetful, or easy to steal from. These people are generally unassuming, and have a chair that allows them to only face one direction for 90% of their waking life, so here's what you need to do. When the elderly target, er, citizen is not paying attention, simply apply a thin coat of butter to the top step of their highest staircase (in order to do this, you may have to remove the non-slip liner they purchased with that slow-cooker from the home shopping channel). Once you are finished, you merely need to wait...doesn't it feel great to serve your nation? Oh, and don't worry about the butter being left over as evidence, the 19 cats your old person undoubtedly has should make quick work of it.

However, while the previous method is highly effective, some of you may prefer a slightly less direct method. For you, I recommend creating a trail of things that will catch the attention of an elderly person, while not alerting the rest of the population. For this I recommend a variety of mailing materials from Publisher's Clearing House. Once the target of your operation has been led far enough away from their home, simply end the path, and, contrary to popular belief, over 90% are unable to find their way home.

I hope you find these simple techniques for lowering the Social Security obligations of the U.S. government helpful. Should you decided to implement these tactics, you are surely a true patriot. After all, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. If you have any more questions, feel free to e-mail me at thehonorableflamingo@leavenworthprison.gov.