Bush Approves Border Fence

President George Bush signed legislation into law earlier today approving 700 miles of fence along the US-Mexico border. The fence would cover about a third of the total border. This has prompted illegal immigrants to draw up a new plan for crossing the ever changing border.Immigrants feel that the new plan will be an effective tool, and feel that they have put at least as much thought, if not more, into border control than the United States has.

Unfortunately, the bill offers no way to pay for the full cost of this fence, leading some to wonder where the money will have to come from. The early estimates suggest the fence could cost more than twice the 1.2 billion dollars appropriated in the bill.

The act has not been met with complete approval, however, and has caused some friction between the United States and its neighbor to the south. Foreign Secretary Luis Ernesto Derbez said that President Vincente Fow of Mexico even thought of taking the issue to the United Nations. Fox has since ruled out the suggestion, citing the possible "international embarrassment/ass kicking" Mexico would take in the suit.

Although they have backed away from international action, Mexico has condemned the fence act, calling it "a unilateral measure that goes against the spirit of understanding that should characterize how shared problems between neighboring countries are handled and that affects cooperation in the hemisphere."

You know, Mexico is right. After all, before putting up a fence, you should have to ask the country whose people are breaking in whether or not they approve of it. In fact, the philosophy led Mexico to develop a new policy of allowing inmates to draw up the blueprints for new prisons, but then realized new prisons wouldn't be necessary, since most of their criminals are already in the United States.

New Republican Campaign Ad

After the RNC released its new "stakes" ad, I was thrilled. Thrilled because people need to truly know just what kind of pansies the Democrats really are. The only objection I had is that the commercial sugarcoated the Democrats reputation on national security. It was too soft on them. Bill Clinton can't be let off the hook this easily. So, I have created my own commercial, which I am making available to the Republican National Committee free of charge. Here it is:



Now I think everyone can agree that this ad will convey the proper message. Don't be offended by the truth, just vote Republican.




Note: This is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done...and thats saying quite a bit.

What Countries Are Really Doing In The UN General Assembly

Being that there are now 192 nations involved in the UN, thought it would be interesting to find out what some of them really do during the meeting of the general assembly. It is through eavesdropping, tireless research, and immoral sexual favors that I have composed this list.

Bahrain- When this country isn't having little to no effect on United Nations policy, it is trading its vote to any country with more than a million people and enough time to at least smile and nod when it passes them in the hallway. To be fair, the President of the General Assembly for 2006 is from Bahrain, but then again I've never heard of her and neither have you.

Venezuela- The Venezuelans sit under the name of the "Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela", probably just so they can get a better seat in the alphabetical system. They spend most of their time photoshopping pictures in order to make it look like George Bush is kissing other men or, a personal favorite of President Chavez's, giving a wrap-around to Satan himself.

East Timor- East Timor has the lowest per capita GDP in the world, and a total of about 370 million, or about half of President Bush's Christmas Club account. This country can usually be seen playing pranks on the other nations in the General Assembly, and I hear one of their favorites is the blowgun tranquilizer dart to the throat, always a crowd favorite.

Kyrgyzstan- This country spends the biggest part of its time in the UN asking Papua New Guinea if it can borrow some vowels from its name, and swearing it will return them. Apart from that, this country can often be seen doing crossword puzzles and pretending to talk on the phone in order to make people think they are important.

If the United Nations were a giant box of strawberries, most of the countries would be the ones at the bottom, that get soft and moldy no matter how fast you eat them. With that said, I leave you with this picture of the knotted gun that stands outside the UN building in New York. It is a glorius symbol of peace, and also a great metaphor for the effectiveness of the institution itself.