I am the honorable flamingo. What you read here might make you smile, make you think, or make you wonder. This is the world as I see it, from the view of a pink, long legged, slightly awkward bird.

Friday, May 30, 2008

John McCain: Too Young, Too Old, or Just Right?

This Presidential election is perhaps one of the most unique and exciting in history. Never before have the media had so many superficial and shallow stereotypes on which to report for hours, days, and indeed weeks on end. Usually, Americans know exactly what to expect, rich white guy, nice head of hair, penchant for fine cheeses, you get the idea. This year, however, people will be able to look at the debate stage and say things like "hey, it's a black guy," or, "look, a woman with a haircut that looks like it belongs on one of those guys in Full House," and, of course "Oh my God! Is that a walking corpse!"

It is no secret that John McCain is old, decrepit, riddled with physical maladies, and aside from that, healthy as an ox. However, John McCain is most certainly not too old to run for President, in fact, he is far from even being the oldest person in the Senate. He is only the 24th oldest Senator, with the youngest being the spry John Sununu of New Hampshire, at the tender age of 38. For a little comparison, I've decided to run down a few of the oldest members of Congress in order to make my case.

Ralph Hall - Representative-TX (R)

Representative Hall is the oldest member of the House at the age of 85. He was a Democrat from his election in 1981 to 2004, but then switched parties. He is also perhaps the only person who actually joined the Republican Party since then. Although it is still only a rumor, claims have been circulating for years that Mr. Hall is, in fact, immortal, and is attempting to prove it with this change of party, along with his survival after his ties with infamous lobbyist Jack Abramhoff surfaced in 2006. After all his years of service, Hall finally earned a coveted spot as the ranking member on the
House Science Committee, an accomplishment that includes his participation in the piece of legislation known as the America Creating Opportunities to Meaningfully Promote Excellence in Technology, Education, and Science Act, whatever the hell that means. He is 14 years older than John McCain, but claims to be at least 10 years younger looking in the neck.

Frank Lautenberg - Senator-NJ (D)

At 84 years of age, Lautenberg is 13 years John McCain's senior, and acts like it. In the year of our Lord, 2006 Lautenberg displayed the type of logic that would make nursing home bound old men proud when he said of the Dubai Ports deal, "We wouldn't transfer the title to the Devil; we're not going to transfer it to Dubai." When pressed on this, he defended himself by remarking that the UAE had not supported U.S. policies toward Iran and Israel. Policies which, as I'm sure most are well aware, Satan was highly critical of. Lautenberg is currently running for reelection in New Jersey, and if he succeeds, he would be 91 by the time his next term expires. When asked if he was too old to run again, Lautenberg quipped "Just ask my wife..." I'm not sure how that sentence finishes, but, at least on the part of the interviewer, I assume it is with vomiting.

Robert Byrd - Senator-WV (D)

No list of shockingly old public servants would be complete without the Archbishop of Agedness, Robert Byrd. He is 90 years old, and born in 1917. No, that isn't a typo, Byrd was born during World War I. About the only title he didn't have a chance to hold was Holy Roman Emperor, but most have agreed he more than made up for that when he became the "Exalted Cyclops" of his local Klan unit, a position that lies just above the "Elevated Chupacabra" in the Klan's mythological creature hierarchy of leadership. Luckily, Byrd has told us that his Klan didn't engage in or preach violence. Instead, it is assumed they spent most of their time doing charity work at local orphanages. His love for non-violent racism may have led to the statement he made in 1945, saying that he would never fight in battle "with a Negro by my side. Rather I should die a thousand times, and see old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels." However, to be fair, his ideas on race seem to have changed some by 2001, when he said "There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word. We just need to work together to make our country a better country, and I'd just as soon quit talking about it so much." I suppose no one thought it right to tell Mr. Byrd that one way to quit talking about it so much is to refrain from using racial slurs that happen to be quite offensive to large portions of the population.

So, as I think you can clearly see, John McCain is practically too young to run for President. Old people tend to show signs of racism, jingoism, and fatigue. McCain, however, exhibits none of those traits. That is, unless you count the time he said that he "hated the gooks" and would hate them as long as he lives. Or perhaps the time he insisted upon occupying Iraq with U.S. military forces for decades to come, or that time he changed the Beach Boys lyrics to "bomb Iran." Hey, at least he hasn't fallen asleep during one of the debates yet!

Never mind. Don't ask questions, just vote for John McCain. And get off my porch!!


Anonymous said...

McCain is just er, uh, too nutcase-y to run!

Can't we do better than this as Republicans?

20% of us will NOT vote if McCain is handed the nomination.

Lonna said...

Great work.