USA Eliminated From World Cup

After an embarrassing loss to the Czech Republic, a spirited tie with Italy, and a disappointing loss to Ghana, the US squad finished last in Group E of the 2006 World Cup. Luckily, while some nations shut down during the World Cup, soccer causes less of a stir in the United States than Janet Jackson's nipple. Occasionally, when I feel like I am the only soccer fan left in this country, I like to make a show of my support, and I take the liberty of taking an hour off from work in the middle of the day, as I was forced to do last Thursday. However, my show of national pride did not impress my soccer loathing, US hating boss, and my actions didn't go without notice. It is the nation's apathy toward the sport of soccer that has inspired me to write about what I have learned during the first round and now into the first day of eliminations, and also what I think is needed to make soccer popular in this our beloved United States.

What I Have Learned
1.) Thank God we seperated ourselves from the English- You don't have to look far to find instances of English hooligans causing a ruckus. Just last week over 200 English fans were arrested for throwing chairs and othe items at celebrating German fans. And you thought Clive Anderson was the worst thing to come out of England.

2.) I really need to take a trip to Mexico- The World Cup is known for bringing nations together, and it has inspired me to make an effort and bring myself together with a few of our friends from the South. If only all immigrants looked like this.

How To Improve Soccer In The US
1.) Bigger nets- One thing Americans hate about soccer? Not enough scoring. This could all be changed by adding some surface area to those damn nets. My conservative suggestion doubles each dimension of the net. Not enough scoring before? How about when the net is 42 feet long and 16 feet tall. Let's see you reach the crossbar now Mr. Goalkeeper.

2.) Smaller Goalies- If you think that scoring is just too difficult against these 6'+ goalkeepers, just wait until you see a midget in every net. In order to be fair to everyone, I propose a height limit of 5'. Think about the joy of horse jockeys, who have always felt themselves too short to play soccer. Now they can feel free to try out for any team they wish.

If my suggestions don't inspire a renewed desire in Americans to watch soccer, I simply don't know what will. Perhaps Janet Jackson's nipple.

(Note: Unfortunately, my blog was being a little uncooperative and not allowing me to post pictures, so I linked to one, and left out the other. If this has happened to anyone else, or you have any suggestions, please leave me a comment. Thanks, and I apologize for the inconvenience of the link.)

R. Kelly Sex Tape To Be Shown To Public

Judge Vincent Gaughan announced earlier this week that, despite requests from prosecutors and defense attorneys alike, he is going to allow the public and the media to view the sex tape that allegedly shows singer R. Kelly committing lewd sex acts with a 13 year old girl. The judge cited that there was no "overarching interest" in keeping the public from viewing the tape. He said that not allowing the public to see the key piece of evidence could result in an unfair trial for Kelly. When reminded that the tape contained video of a 13 year old girl in embarrassing and sexually degrading acts, the judge replied "huh?" But imagine the joy of Chicago pedophiles, upon hearing that instead of having to work so hard to hide their child pornography collections from the authorities, the authorities were going to bring child pornography right to them...LEGALLY!

Based on the belief that a fair trial is impossible without showing complete disregard for the victim, I have another suggestion for the court. Why not have each jury member and the judge take turns urinating on the girl, who is now 21? They certainly won't be prejudice if they each have committed one of the very same acts. This is sure to create a much more fair trial. In fact, why not have a public urination? Put each member of the public in Kelly's place, let them feel the pain of the true victim. It is only fair after all.

So what does this mean for the general public? What does it mean for a 21 year old woman who most likely wants nothing more than to get on with her life? I'm not really sure, but in a city known for its corrupt judges, Gaughan has just raised the bar. So let's all rush to Chicago for a public viewing of child pornography, not to mention their 2-for-1 sale on idiots.