The Results Are In: Landis Too Manly For Cycling

This week, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was branded a cheater after an anti-doping test came back positive for extraordinary amounts of the sex hormone and anabolic steroid testosterone. Landis has denied all claims of foul play, and says that the high level of testosterone is a result of his body's natural processes, making him one hell of a man. I have no evidence to back me up, but I suspect Landis must need to shave at least 4 times a day, eat red meat around the clock, and routinely buy tools just to keep his testosterone happy.

While Landis would be the first rider to lose his Tour de France title if found guilty, he is certainly not the first person to be accused of cheating. Lance Armstrong, who won 7 straight Tours, a record, was constantly under the microscope. In fact, he had to have a testicle removed just so he could qualify for competition, and even then, he was a man among boys. Obviously Landis should have considered doing the same.

With all eyes on him, and the allegations, rocking the world of cycling fans, all 12 of them, Landis has so far managed to keep his cool. But as pressure builds, I have some advice to offer the world class biker: be proud. You are the most masculine of all cyclists, a group notorious for their manly behavior and tight uniforms. Live it up, you are a hero for all those blessed with unusually high testosterone. The people who were picked on, downtrodden, and never had a chance to be normal, like this well known movie character.