President Bush Expresses Frustration Over Boggle Loss

In a statement released by the White House monday morning, George W. Bush said that he was "moderately upset" about his loss to his daughter Jenna in a game of Boggle Saturday night. The game began after an altercation between Bush and his daughter, who wanted to go out for the night, but the President refused to allow her. "I told her if she could beat me in Boggle, she could go out, but I never expected her to win", George W. said. A popular word game, Boggle pits two opponents against each other as they try to make words from scrambled letters. When asked about the game, the President said, "I simply misunderestimated her word finding ability, you wouldn't believe how many words longer than 4 letters that girl knows". The First Lady then added, "We're not quite sure where she gets it from."

During the game, Jenna Bush said the she never had any doubt she would win even though she was "mildly intoxicated" before the game began. At one point in the match, the Bush twin caught her father cheating, but she said it was too little too late. "It turns out he had a microphone in his ear, and Karl Rove was giving him words", Jenna reported.

While the President was upset at the loss he maintains that he is still optimistic, and says he is "making great progress". In conclusion, as Jenna was leaving the White House, he remarked, "I wouldn't be surprised if she finds a pile of naked war prisoners in her room when she comes home".

Affordable Vacation Spots For Your Next Family Trip

Have you been dying to take a vacation with the family, but just didn't feel like you could afford to travel? Well do I have news for you. I have put together a list of a few of the most affordable places in the world to visit, places that even families on the tightest of budgets can afford to go to.

1.) Mexico- With a currency exchange rate of about 10.5 pesos/dollar, nothing in Mexico should cost you more than a few dollars. Their currency is basically worthless, so if you can manage to sneak a few small farm animals over the border, those should be enough to pay for the entire trip.

2.) Sudan- Now it may be a little farther away than you think you can afford but once you see the exchange rate, you'll realize why you came. Trade in your dollar and get 127 Sudanese Dinars! That should be enough to buy some nice souvenirs for the family back home, or you could just steal an authentic dung brick from the house of one of the natives.

3.) Haiti- The poorest country in the western hemisphere, Haiti is a perfect choice for that low budget vacation. Don't count on being the most liked person there, however, as the US put a stop to most of the aid it was giving Haiti after some suspect elections in 2000. Even so, it is definately a must visit, and if you are lucky you might get to see a real live rebellion.

Well, there you have it, 3 of the most affordable vacation destinations just in time for you to start planning that summer trip. Be sure to send me a postcard.

Lowering The Cost Of Execution, One Beheading At A Time

Have you ever been sitting in your living room watching the news when a reporter comes on to tell you about the imminent execution of some mass murderer. Without a doubt, someone in the room will say, "They shouldn't be allowed to put people to death, you shouldn't be allowed to kill another human being." If you are like me then you must have thought, "There has to be a better way." Well now there is. I think that it is about time to bring back the guillotine, that friendly instrument of death, popularized by Robespierre during the French Revolution.

One of the biggest problems with lethal injection is the cost. For a site to get started with lethal injections, they would have to shell out over $100,000 dollars for the equipment! After that the drugs only cost about $86 dollars per execution, which may seem like a bargain, but wait until you see the cost efficiency that is the guillotine.

How much would it cost to behead someone with a guillotine, you ask? Nothing! Aside from some alcohol and oil to keep the machine well maintained, executions would be totally free! And have you ever had to sit through a lethal injection? Boooorrring! People would be lining up to watch heads roll at our public decapitations. In fact, we could make a profit on our executions just by selling tickets to see the punishment of societies worst menaces. Imagine the thrill of taking your children to the beheading of Saddam Hussein. As an added bonus, anyone caught scalping tickets before the execution would be beaten in front of the audience as an opening act.

Not only are guillotines practical and painless (or so I'm told) they are also very artistic. There are numerous kits you can buy to build your own model guillotine, I don't see anyone jumping to put together their own lethal injection room, complete with criminal and intravenous system. I think this is by far the best way to lower cost of executions. In fact, Texas has already signed on to my plan, and is hoping to hold its first public beheading next month. This could be the next big thing in capital punishment. I mean, it's not like strapping someone to a table and putting them to death is cruel and unusual, right?

Study Shows Ugly People More Likely To Commit Crimes

An article in the Washington Post last Saturday says that people who are ugly commit more crimes than average looking people, and furthermore, good looking people commit fewer crimes than people who are merely average looking. The researchers in this study, Dr. Erdal Tekin and Dr. Naci Mokan, also denounced the popular quote "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". The test was done by ranking criminals and non-criminals on a sliding scale that went from "extremely attractive" to "Shane McGowan." For the purpose of objective analysis, I have decided to show some pictures of convicted criminals as well as non-criminals, in order to see how my results stack up to those of respected researchers.











On the left is Richard Goldberg, who, if he had any friends, would be known as Dick. Dick is on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for committing several sex acts with girls under 10 years old, and taking pictures of the acts. On the right it Miss USA 2005 Chelsea Cooley, who has chosen not to force herself on young children, but if she did, those would be some of the luckiest children on earth.














To the left stands Augustine Breceda, who was convicted of several robberies and is a 6 time felon. He is currently serving a 216 year prison sentence, but on the bright side, he'll never have to worry about being sexually assaulted while he is in the pen. On the right is Sarah Michelle Gellar, arguably one of the most beautiful actresses in the world. She is not a felon, and also lacks ears the size of a small elephant's.

Well, there you have it, a completely unbiased, objective study in which I feel I sufficiently proved that ugliness is the most important factor in determining whether or not a person is going to end up in jail. From this study, I feel that we now have the information needed to take crime detection to a whole new level. Imagine the increase in safety of the American people when, instead of simply waiting for an ugly person to commit a crime, we throw them in jail before it happens. I like to call it, "preemptive incarceration", and I think it is without a doubt the next step in crime fighting. I have my eyes on you Mr. Cheney.

Some Ducks Have All The Luck

I was recently flipping through the pages of my Guiness Book of World Records, as I am wont to do, when a rather peculiar record caught my eye. The record is officially called the "Largest Avian Reproductive Organ", but it does just as well to say, "Biggest Bird Penis In The History Of Modern Civilization." The record belongs to the Argentinian Lake Duck, who is seen here gazing arrogantly at his gigantic member. That's right, that is his penis, and he is staring at it, but hey, who can blame him. The penis itself is almost 17 inches long when unwound, and retracts into his body when not "in use." I'm not sure who's job it was to uncoil the penis in order to get an accurate measurement, but I assume there was a lot of mocking that went on after the act had been completed.

The bird itself is only about 17 inches long, which means that he has a sex organ about as tall as he is. I don't want to go into too much detail here, but I think it's safe to say that if I had a penis that was almost 6 feet long, I'd probably stare at it for a while myself.

Now if you are like me, you are probably thinking "what about the female bird, where does she fit in all this?" Well, the answer is, we're not really sure. Scientists know very little about how these animals reproduce, presumably because they were too busy staring at the duck's penis to notice. So if you ever wondered what it would be like to have your manhood be the size of your small intestine, look to the Argentinian Lake Duck, for he is living a dream, a dream of virility, of masculinity, and of having a penis long enough to bungee jump with.