Idaho Lowers Standards!

Have you ever thought to yourself "Gee, I should really move to Idaho."? Me either. But if you were going to, now would certainly be the time. Never has being an Idahoan, or Idahoese, or whatever people there are called been so easy. Standards for good citizens are at their lowest levels in decades, and not to mention every new citizen gets a copy of the new book One Great Thing About Idaho.

All this comes on the heels of the news that Senator Larry Craig will still be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame after being embroiled in one of the more bizarre scandals in recent history. The Hall of Fame committee stands by their decision to place Craig in the Hall, stating that he "has made a great contribution to Idaho over the period of 20-some years." Unfortunately, that has absolutely nothing to do with what he is famous for.

But Craig has really earned this nomination. He has always been a strong advocate of ethics in politics, even serving on the House Ethics Committee. In fact, he is so opposed to unethical activity, that when Representative Barney Frank, who happens to be gay, was reprimanded for his activity with a gay prostitute, Craig pushed for a harsher punishment.

And, if you are still not convinced that Craig is a man of principle, just look at this. He voted against Habeus Corpus for detainees, and for the Federal Marriage Amendment, which declared marriage to be between a man and a woman, and relieved states from respecting the full faith and credit clause when it comes to gay marriages. Hey, and who said hypocrisy wasn't popular?

But, if you can't select for the Hall of Fame a man embroiled in a gay sex scandal who has a history of voting to restrict gay rights, who can you pick?

Faux Pin?

For some reason that I am not aware of, the big story of the day has been Barack Obama stating that he will no longer wear the U.S. flag pin on his lapel. Obama has been questioned about the decision, and remarked that instead of wearing the pin he is going to try to "tell the American people what I believe will make this country great."

To me this is a just a huge travesty. That someone in our nation thinks they can be elected to a public office without wearing a pin of the flag that office represents is absolutely ludicrous. Sure, perhaps Obama can talk his way into seeming patriotic some of the time, but how are people going to realize his love for his country at times when he is silent? These are the times when a machine-painted, mass-produced piece of metal with a pointy thing and tiny inscription that reads "Made in China" can really come in handy.

Obama's comments also included the opinion that the pin may have become a "substitute for real patriotism" in the years after 9/11. I, on the other hand don't think it has been a substitute at all, rather a supplement. For instance, Presidential hopeful Sam Brownback used to have rather low levels of patriotism, but look at him now. Note: Photo has in no way been altered to be a comic exaggeration.

By now, you probably agree with my argument that low priced fashion accessories are the most important thing to look for in choosing a candidate, so I've decided to go one step further. I will be designing clothing that I hope to market to these Presidential candidates in the future. I've released an exclusive photo of what you may be seeing on the campaign trail.This is going to be great. Patriotism is awesome, and there is not better way to show you have it then by constantly shoving material representations of it into your constituent's faces. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm putting together a little pile of World Trade Center rubble for Rudy Giuliani to stand on every time he speaks.

I'm Back!

I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but I hope to get back in the swing of things, and perhaps one day, even have a successful blog. I'm going to try to start posting at least a few times a week, so that I can write more stuff that one person reads.

Preparing For The End

Thanks to a report by Glenn Beck last week, I am now aware of the imminent return of Jesus. I'm not sure of the exact sequence of events, but if you have any questions, please refer to the books his guests have written: The Left Behind series. They will explain everything perfectly, and I find there is no better way to interpret a book of Holy Scripture than with a 26$ book of fiction. Anyway, without further ado, I must make my final declarations.

To Whom It May Concern,

In the case of a rapture event, or any other occurrence resulting in my disappearance and believed to be attributable to the supernatural, I hereby declare that these words reflect my final wishes.

I wish that my stereo be given to John. He was always sort of a jerk to me, so I figure he will probably be left behind anyway.

To my neighbor, who always kept me awake with his late night parties and inconsiderate choice of outdoor lighting, I leave my car, which should be no more than a smoldering pile of brimstone by the time he gets it.

All my other possessions I give to Ari. He does a lot of charity work with children, and will need the money, plus everyone knows the Jews are a doomed people.

These are my final requests, and I hope that they will be honored, even by you godless unrapturables.

Enjoy the Anti-Christ, ye workers of iniquity,
The Honorable Flamingo

P.S. Although the end is near and I think everyone must prepare, I hope you will still all buy the book I am planning to write: Why I'm in Heaven and You're Not.

Asking The Tough Questions

Anyone who knows me understands that I am happy to make Fox News my sole source for political commentary, everyday happenings, and morning worship. They report to me the whole story, meaning there is really no other reason to watch any other channel. For instance, take these two interviews that they put together. They force candidates to answer the difficult questions, and never pull any punches.

Barack Obama

FoxNews: Mr. Obama, thank you for sitting down with us.
Barack Obama: It is my pleasure.
FN: Let's start with immigration. You support allowing immigrants who are in the country illegally an opportunity to earn citizenship. Are there any other laws of America that you don't respect?
BO: I respect all the laws of this country. It is impossible to simply round up the 12 mil...
FN: Alright, we have to move on. You have been against the Iraq War from the start, why is that?
BO: As I have said in the past, I feel that the decision to go to war in Iraq was made in a foolish and rash manner. I have been consistent in my criticism of the Administration's handling of the war, and feel that despite the best efforts of our troops, there can be no military solution to a political conflict.
FN: But isn't it a little unpatriotic to criticize the President in a time of war?
BO: There is nothing unpatriotic about asking for an end to a war that has been waged so absurdly. This Administration has given us no concrete plan and no definition of victory. The American people have expressed their disapproval of this war, and it is about time some of their representatives speak up on their behalf.
FN: Finally, I have to ask about your name, what is that Iranian?
BO: I'm from Hawaii.
FN: Well, it's an interesting debate. That's all the time we have, thanks for agreeing to this interview.
BO: My pleasure...

Mitt Romney

FoxNews: Mayor Romney, thanks for taking the time away from being patriotic to talk to us.
Mitt Romney: You're welcome.
FN: Let's talk about immigration. How do you propose to reform the current system.
MR: I think we need to encourage legal immigration and discourage illegal immigration.
FN: Exactly...I mean, OK. Now about terrorism, what is your position.
MR: Well I feel that we must defeat the radical jihadists wherever they may be, and if we don't they will attack us in our own country. I feel that the position of the Democratic Party will only lead to making America unsafe.
FN: A quick follow-up. Why do you think Democrats are opposed to a safe country?
MR: Probably cowardice, but I can't say for sure.
FN: Before we go Mr. Romney, one final question: who should I make the check out to?