Fifth-Graders Arrested For Sex In Classroom

In an time when young people seem to be "coming-of-age" sooner than ever, it appears that some middle-school students in Louisiana have just raised the bar another couple notches. Authorities say that when the class was inadvertently left unattended for about 15 minutes, four students began engaging in sexual acts while another stood lookout. The Vice Principal later expressed his disapproval of the situation, and lamented that the students had accomplished more in 15 minutes than he had been able to in 37 years.

But the seriousness of this case can simply not be understated. It is unacceptable to have pedophiles roaming the halls of our countries middle schools. This being the case, it only makes sense to begin seeking out child-predators at earlier ages. I've placed my call to Dateline, and I suggest you do the same. It's about time we heard "Tonight, on Dateline, To Catch a Predator: Middle School edition." Chris Hanson and the crew could set up mock tea parties, record the proceedings, and then lurk in the shadows, ready to pounce on unsuspecting youngsters, who would then be tasered and led to jail. Justice is sweet, especially when it makes me some fat royalty checks.

It is unknown as to what caused the impromptu sexual romp, and we can only speculate as to its origins and possible effects. Some claim that the bisexual orgy was a protest against current gay marriage laws, while Rosie O'Donnell contended on The View that the whole situation was orchestrated by the Bush Administration as a way to raise the distrust of children. No one knows for sure, but the police have launched a full scale investigation, and it's a good thing too, because trying desperately to keep the city safe was becoming a real bore. Maybe the library shouldn't have let those students sign out the Kama Sutra in the first place.

I'm Posting Again?!?!

I'm going to try to get back to making posts regularly, but have been fairly busy lately. I've had a lot of writing to do that is actually graded (and probably read by more people now that I think about it).

But really, there is no excuse for my blog sitting idle for almost 2 months now, and hopefully that situation will be remedied by this evening. For now, here is a picture of a pile of cheese.

How Your Uninformed Girlfriend (or Boyfriend) Predicts Election Winners

In an era where polls and up-to-the-minute reporting are frequently taking the excitement out of the old office election pools, many people have begun to come up with new ways to choose political parties: mascots.

Much like with sports teams, a good political mascot emphasizes the qualities of the group it represents. Tigers are fierce and strong. Colts are sleek and fast. Pirates rape, pillage, and terrorize the high seas. Seeing the positive qualities that such icons bring out in a team, it was only a matter of time before political parties jumped on board.

For instance, the Independence Party of Minnesota chose the Buffalo as their mascot, because much like Independence, the Buffalo nearly became extinct, and unfortunately, we are still awaiting the outcome of that battle. The Libertarian Party's mascot is the penguin, because a bird that is confined to one general area is always a good analogy for freedom.

The political mascots of more prominent parties bear an even more striking resemblance to the people they represent. For example, in the United States today, one party's mascot is an overweight, light-skinned animal with huge ears, and the other is a literal ass.

I'm not sure I could come up with any better representatives for the parties we have today. One tramples through the underbrush eating everything in its path, while the other is often foolish, and if I remember correctly, rarely comes out of his hut and is also quite droopy and depressed.

I could leave it at that, but in the interest of reform, and to end this on a positive note, I will suggest my own mascots.

The new Democratic mascot will be a cat. Cats can't be herded, which means they can never make up their damn minds to do anything together. They are also very skittish, and rarely come around, but if you bring in anything new, they'll definitely crap all over it.

The Republican mascot will be a branding iron. The exact opposite of the cat, the branding iron makes up its mind and sticks to it, because its made out of really hot metal. It doesn't really matter what it's opinions are, because if you even come close to challenging them, it will label you so fast you won't know what hit you, until you feel the third degree burns.

Atheist T-Shirts

Are you godless? If you are, then I have some clothing for you. These atheist t-shirts will have all your friends asking you where you got it, and how they can get their hands on one. Just wait, you will turn heads, and souls, with your new wardrobe.When will these stylish tees be available you ask? Probably never. It's not my fault, it's just that there isn't really a demographic for these things, unless of course you want to get the hell beat out of you...literally.

President Celebrates 74% Approval Rating In Heaven

While President George W. Bush has been subject to criticism recently, his administration points to the recent 2006 census in the Kingdom of God to prove that his policies are on the right track.

The newest statistics to come out of Paradise have left some of the most highly regarded political scientists confounded. They show that more than 74% of Heaven's eternal population approve of the job the President Bush is doing, and a whopping 89% support the war in Iraq.

These numbers come right on the heels of an overwhelming victory for Proposition 1,845,345,384, a Kindgom-wide referendum officially banning homosexual marriage. Next week, the legislature is expected to officially pass an amendment defining marriage as "between one man and one woman".

Press Secretary Tony Snow lauded the results, saying that they confirm the legitimacy of the Presidents actions. He also mentioned that Heaven is currently on the path towards democracy, and described it as a "shining beacon on a hill", and an example for Iraq. He later remarked that the President has always considered Paradise an important part of the Coalition of the Willing.

The Blessed Census also revealed that Heaven is entirely Christian, about 76% Republican, and the vast majority support the use of the death penalty. In the past 10 years, the population of heaven has grown .04% to 26 total people.